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Life in Cycles

--want everything—
inject me now!
To keep on screaming
songs of how I'm smiling wildly,
dance and twirl—
the key to joy
locked in this girl
whose only goal: to celebrate
untouchable, I understand
everything now
in my command!
On top of life—
just what to say;
to think, to act—
all mine today
so perfect!—but STOP!!
—spinning so fast—
I should have held on,
now halt—something's shifted
don't know what, this is wrong
I feel it leaving,
hear it tip-toe away
so, wild eyes frantic,
I tremble and pray
for the foreshadowed
to stay, stay away...
but the cold quickly comes
steals the warmth from all places—
from the air, from my smile, my thoughts, all the faces—
now lost and alone—
can't relate—not familiar
it's all strange, we're all sick
cry alone, getting sicker!
Die alone, die alone, die alone!
Tears so hot, thick and desperate
“Oh my God—please God no!—
Can't be life—isn't fair”—
I rip, cry and tear
my face from my skull,
cut my skin from my bones
silent screams, all alone
all alone, all alone!
“I can't live like this God!
I refuse, I refuse!”—
I need to get out
of my mind—let me loose!
—shove it all into me—
let me leave on its shoulders
let me hide, let it smother
my brain, give me orders—
I'm nothing and no one exists here, I'm blank;
to all: “I don't need...I don't want...Stay Away!”—
give me silence and solitude, freedom from pain
and I sleep and I sleep and I sleep it away
and away I fall and
I know but can't stop
my compulsive escaping—
can't see a way out then—
WAIT!—something's shifted;
a pressure has lifted;
the fog is now gone—
“Oh what have I done?!”—
I can fix this, I know—
I understand it now so
I can see what went wrong
(why'd it take me so long?!),
it's clear now somehow,
jump up, smile and cry—
tingling fingers and toes,
I don't need to know why,
more than ready to go;
I've found it—the light,
finally have it all now—
I'm alive I'M ALIVE!


Author notes

Read the link. Sorry about the length.
http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2352569

In a list

A contest entry

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  • kareneisenlord gold member
    May 25

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    Wow, this was excellent in how it described the extreme mood shifts and swings. Some bipolars go through this rapidly. I am lucky to be a mild case and go through major shifts only a few times a year. I do rapid cycling throughout the day, but it is mild and I work hard at dealing with it and keeping things in check/balance.

    I know the elation of the hypomania/mania though. Had only one moderate manic episode. It was intense, but I have seen far worse. A person having a severe manic attack is a scary, diconcerting thing to see. The hypomania/mania is so very seductive though. It pulls one in and makes one feel so euphoric and on top of everything; like one can do and be anything. You did very good in expressing this aspect of bipolar in your write. I really appreciated how you took the reader through the entire process. I think a person who doesn't have bipolar can begin to understand what it is like through reading your very descriptive and accurate account of it.

    It really does feel like one is dying at one end and then suddenly alive at the other. It is awful never knowing when this will change. One thing though; when I am depressed, I know eventually I will come out of it and be "rewarded." That's just it; it is almost like a pay off for the suffering. And then the suffering is the debt for feeling good that one pays. I can't help but think it is an internalized addiction to one's own body chemistry. We use up all the "happy" neurotransmitters when we are manic and then when we are depressed we are storing them up for the next round. Wierd, huh? Thank you for entering. I really liked your write!