In one dazed moment
my life ceased to exist
the van continued driving
my neck, my arm, my wrist.
My corpse spread out
mangled in the road
no one in sight as
my thick red blood flowed
I could still think though
my mind was still alive
just slowly falling down
through the earth.
It didn't take long
one deep and fast dive
but now the pain has gone
and i feel very much alive
Until all of a sudden
everything goes dark
a splint of light and a little spark
the room goes up in flames
and i feel the heat
i turn to run making a quick retreat.
Feelings and thoughts are more intense
Caged in by the invisible fence
I'm in constant pain, in constant fear
every corner turned spawns another near
everything you've ever done wrong
is payed back one by one
permanently in fear of being outrun.
Hoping one day you'll payback
all you've done wrong
also knowing that the day will never come.
All i do now is live here and dwell
its my own personal hell.
A contest entry
- ENNYFING COLLOQUIAL by jimmy20johns.
1800 points, ended October 31, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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I <33ed the poem, great write.
*~*Shay*~* -
Great
That was very interesting. Well-written. I liked...
~Mary Beth~
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Very well written! great job. cant wait to see more of your work....
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Very good visuals, what made you choose a car crash aia wonder seems a messy way, I would choose a different way but even in a choice like this we are all different, it is very well written a good poem that paints a clear picture of the events, great
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Its a nice piece piece!! I enjoyed reading your poem!!! keep writing!!
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That was a very good and powerful piece. I loved it.
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yes it was powerful. death thoughts do seem to be lurking around. they say it's winter months. i have my own ideas
i prefer a rainbow of pretty pills... according to my death poem don't think i could go out in a car wreck then hang out in a personal hell. that's pretty vivid writing!
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I was stunned by:
Feelings and thoughts are more intense
Caged in by the invisible fence
I'm in constant pain, in constant fear
every corner turned spawns another near
everything you've ever done wrong
is payed back one by one
permanently in fear of being outrun.
Hoping one day you'll payback
all you've done wrong
also knowing that the day will never come.
That was extremely powerful. It was an amazing and awesome write! Very very good job! -
I can't get over how you can close your eyes and get wrapped up in the feeling of this poem. It makes you contemplate your own life and how everything works. It's great
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*WELL*!!
It leaves an impression, I'll give ya that. I'm curious as to where the FlotsamJetsam comment comes from, but I could wager that you two know each other perhaps...?
I note that this does not wish for critical comment, so I'll just tell you which parts I liked and leave it at that, okay?
In one dazed moment
my life ceased to exist
Good start; got my attention
the van continued driving
my neck, my arm, my wrist.
My corpse spread out
mangled in the road
no one in sight as
my thick red blood flowed
VERY NICE IMAGERY USED THERE
It didn't take long
and it was a quick dive
Heh, cute euphemism...
a splint of light and a little spark
I thought *I* was the only person who said, 'splint'??
Thought-provoking, to say the least.
Cheers. -
Very well written!
OMG this is amazingly well done. I wish I could say more. My critiquing skills are as raw as my poetry. But I really really liked this! -
hehehe - i concur. heh. Hell, own , personal. its really good, i do not even know what to say. The imagrey and description rocked! the whole thing was wonderful and made my day!
thanks and good luck in the contest!
~*)()(baby girl)()(*~ -
Great imagry and very vivid indeed, I really am amazed at this, for death seems to be on many a poet mind. The descriptions were wonderful it went from vague to personal very nicly done. Good luck in the contest, keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.
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creepy
Goood job! sounds like something I would write,Message me later aim: lost freaks. Thankies! Buh bai
msn:Kenziepie@msn.com
Love
The fish! -
That's powerful! In the beginning, I'm like, "Woah . . ." but kept on reading, to find out it's actually well done. Only thing that confused me was,
"just slowly draining down
though the earth."
Should that be "through the earth?" I dunno, but the way it is doesn't make sense to me. Overall, good job though!
~~~§hanna~~~
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AWESOME
good write, some lines didn't make a whole lot of sense but the overall idea is good. i think u shgould probably edit this because the last line of the second stanza should be through and not though, but otherwise good write...keep it up, and i hope that that is not how u actually see life as hell because ya life is so much better. -
wow... that's... creepy.....
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yep all your bad deeds come back to fluant themselves in front of you trying their best to make you feel baaaaaad as they trollop about pointing their fingers and mercilessly mocking you. i have loads of them. you just have to laugh mockingly back at them
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well, i have my moments and M.jackson was one of the weird ones. thats all im sayin.
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this is really good i liked this alot as well as the first one i read...but the thing about m.jackson that kinda freaked me out...really a silly poem but hey if that's what you like then go for it!
-darcy -
Hey look at all these peeps trying to get a piece of the master himself!! AWESOME poem dude, seriously fookin amazing... it was... well... incredibly good!
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mary thanks for the comment, nothing inspired it at all, just felt like writing something differnt to my usual style of comedy poems, plus i also tryed hard cos i wanted to win a contest.
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Id like to know if something in your life inspired this? Like maybe a near death experience.... Its very good although Im not sure whether you show more fear of death or a strang longing for it. Either way its expressive and you want to kep reading it even when it shocks you, kinda like seeing an accident that you dont want to look at, but you feel compelled. mary
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Such vivid imagery and powerful emotion in this piece, it comes to no wonder it touches the heart. You easily capture the reader into the poetry itself with your selection of words, making this a deffinite masterpiece.
Great work of poetical art, bravo and many kudos to you. -
Good stuff, good good stuff. i like this poem. and subject matter. good good good stuff. good stuff.
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holy baleachers batman!!! this is noe crazy sick poem and it's kinda creepy too. i like the imagery in this piece. at first i was like oh ouch when you said about the corpse on the road and then egad!! when you said about hell. i like it! it's cool
Alyssa
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Wicked!! This poem rocks. It flows great, and its just..wow!!
Its constant pain, and constant fear
every corner turned spawns another near
everything you've ever done wrong
is payed back one by one
yup thats my favorite part! I love it!! keep it up!
lyl
~jenn~ -
great write
Great write..I have lived through a hell such as this losing my brother to a drunk driver. Great flow with really descriptive wording. Scenes such as this still continue to happen every day... -
wow
wow...this is deep and kinda creepy...
*claps* great job!
it really flows and it has great depth!
:+: brianne :+: -
Gah, well wen i do write good i dont even get close to trophies, not 1 other comment part form you, and wen i take the piss i win, wats going on!
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holy jesus shaped chicken pieces!!!!!! that's fucking amazing piechota, seriously. that's awesome... i couldn't write that well! you've got some awesome imagery there and plenty of kick ass rhymes. christ that's great. write more like this and you're sure to get the points you crave lol
i can't get over how unusually good this is.. nice one mate
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