I gaze at the starless sky,
my thoughts and emotions find their bliss,
spiraling
down into a deep abyss.
Upon my cheek, the cold plants a kiss,
and my thoughts shrug with remiss,
as they find nothing amiss.
The darkness deepens,
my thoughts reminisce,
as they fall contentedly,
further immersed in the abyss.
this bottomless,
fathomless, abyss
My thoughts drift lazily,
the passing night, they all but miss
As the darkness grows even darker,
my thoughts prod further, into the abyss
fearless,
doubtless
By: Sarah Chipps
Author notes
This work is copyrighted.
By N e a r B l u e P o e t r y
A contest entry
- ANYTHING by Dryad Enya.
630 points, ended August 22, 203 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? Please dont take this poem from me. If you want to use it just ask.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Good
It flows nicely but I felt like there were too many rhymes with the same sound which kinda thru me off but its very well writen, great imagery. I aslo related to the cascading fall of the poem into its own title, its great thank you for sharing.
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Wonderful poem with great imagery. I particularly like the phrases, "Upon my cheek, the cold plants a kiss,""my thoughts shrug with remiss." Very well written!
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Wow, this is outstanding. I can feel the despair and emotional thoughts in the poem and i like the way you have penned this down, flows really well. Great piece!
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This not unlike the cold winter nights I spend sitting out on the lighthouse pier, letting my dreams drift on the waves while my thoughts get drowned on rum.
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this is sooo good! i love the imagery and how the poem flows so well, with a continued pattern of an abyss and a continued rhyme with that word
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An abyss is always a worthy subject to endeavor to explore in a poem. It holds an unlimited supply of ideas for the foraging by one who would delve into its depths. Well done on winning the gold trophy, Poet.
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thanks for the amazing entry. i really like the imagery youve used, but i'm not so keen on the length, i think it might be a little short.
thanks again and good luck. -
Incredably stunning work. I'm losing idea's on what to say...comenting on to many poems all at once but i am happy to put you in the finalist list because your imagry is so beautiful, i know those days when it feels like the world is an abyss!
Concratulations and best of luck,
Goreck -
this is amazing. I love the rhyme here.
thanks for entering.
fantastic write. -
Wow... it's like you're pulling your reader into the abyss with you. We feel your every emotion as you are falling and we want to follow you to know just how deep the nothingness goes. I know these feelings all too well. A wonderful write with wonderful use of rhyme!
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You could definitely change the text color or the background to make it easier to read even though I've already read it and it was easier when I sort of knew what it said...Anyway... This is a really good poem.. the only thing you could improve upon is your grammar... I am absolutely horrible with grammar, so what I do is rewrite it into a paragraph, add all the proper grammar, the manipulate it back into poem form. It seems to be much easier to add grammar without all the line breaks, which personally I love and use a ton of. I also really liked the format and the rhyming pattern. Quick question... Did you choose to use a rhyming pattern because we were writing sonnets, or do you usually use one and I just never noticed? -
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RE: Abyss Comment
I dont know if I'll change the grammar at all, cause Edgar Allen Poe had some mistakes, and it still sounded cool (he's my poet- idol(: ) And the rhyming pattern is the same as Poe's The Raven, which is abcbbb for each stanza, i messed up on the 1st stanza though, and i put abcbbbb. oops but i dont want to fix that part. i like it too much. im too stubborn.
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Welcome to Allpoetry
The first thing that might be good to change would be the background or text colour as the colours clash a little and make it hard to read, perhaps set the center background as the edge border instead and have the lilac as the center? Readability is important.
In the actual poem, you used your rhyme very effectively, I really like how you ended this piece.
Great write and welcome to the site, if you have any questions please do not hesitate to ask me
Laura,
Site-Greeter. -
pretty darn good
i like it i wouldnt change anything about it -
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thankshu(:
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I like this, but there is something about it that is nagging at me, and I'm not sure what it is. I'll come back to it in a little bit and try reading again.
Best of luck and thanks for entering!
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