thanks for "ruining" my life...
however, the ruin you created isn't ruin anymore... I picked myself up, brushed myself off, washed you out of my words and spin-cycled you out of my head. It was quite an experience. So if you're somewhere wondering where I am, I hope you know these words are not for you, they were never for you... you were just the roadblock blocking all my exits. taking ahold of a heart that wasn't yours to hold and gripping it so tightly that I thought there would never be another with your grasp.
All you did was send me to your asylum... the one you've created. The one I didn't belong in but fell into like a brokenwinged bird falls down a chimney with no way out. No one rescued me for 6 whole years. In those 6 years: I stared at the blue walls of my makeshift "hotel" and thought of you, I heard someone say "dude!" and I thought of you, I met a man of 6'4" and I thought of you, I would look at the clock and automatically subtract 3. "oh it's 6:24 in California", I'd think of you. I'd see 11:11 or 2:22 and make a wish, I always wished we would meet. But instead, you had me hanging like a piece of meat in a butcher's window, fresh from slaughter every time you opened your mouth or rather typed your facade. I typed real, you typed druggie. I hope you know by now it's not a good thing to email someone when stoned on your strongest drug of choice, your weekly dxm, your daily datura. It's not good to email someone and tell them you love them when it's not really true. You indian love-giver you.
I looked for every song I could find with "California" in the title. I played "Daniel" on repeat at least 50 times a day. "Danny's Song" was already picked out for something I don't know what. Elton John and Anne Murray cried for me. I guess I was trying to drink cups of life full of poison while you were drinking your cups of dxm, your daily datura with the same effect
Finally, one day, my knight in shining armour came and wisked me away again, and fixed my shattered thoughts, calmed a stomach full of butterflies and held me close while I realized your poison and he fixed my splintered heart all with one kiss, one touch, one embrace you could never provide. Now I wonder why I wasted so much time sitting there night after night waiting for the yahoo messenger ding, with damped fingers fresh from wiping tears from my eyes that developed when you didn't show.
I want you to know, I don't think of you when I see blue walls, I don't think of you
when someone says "dude!", I don't think of you when I see 11:11 or 2:22, I don't automatically subtract 3. I know you didn't love me and I no longer wish you did, I no longer dream of California or drink a cup of life full of poison because I know true love now, it's in the kiss, the touch, the embrace, the voice that you could never provide with your weekly dxm and your daily datura stone-faced words, you indian love-giver you.
Author notes
2009-5-20
prompt: datura.
I also used another prompt from another contest you had given me that I couldn't work with at the time: Something about typing with damp fingers.
How I could have looked at the picture from the link below (the first picture he showed me) and not think "stoner" is beyond me:
CLICK!
LIES, ALL LIES:
To my dear Daniela, to my dear friend...
the letters light the darkened prose
i've worn that face but you know
the sideswipe scars don't carry weight
and still... they come with time.
i'll chance every secondhand gaze
through each seamless modern way
you gave and have given every state
and will... that is more than fine.
i know that you'll push for
each day to this day
count none lost and then more
with little left to say.
taking chance on distant tastes.
dream of chosen points together.
look closely at all details
and what they entail and just think
on this one moment, like eternity.
and you'll still be in my heart...
in my heart...
passing days leave me nowhere to go
when my sight is set on toronto
left sitting back still i can wait
until... i may start to mind.
driven down gone home from working
thinking more how it's not working
you'll be there and that's great
still... i am feeling blind.
and you know i'll push for
each day to this day
nothing's lost and no more
with little left to say.
taking chance on distant tastes.
dream of chosen points together.
look closely at every tale
and what they entail and just think
another moment, just like eternity.
and still you're in my heart...
in my heart...
so i'll set the clock right
each evening past the sunlight rays
and cushion marks set a spark
a hope for another day.
so i'll set my sights down
soon heading up to your hometown fair
and these moments spent thinking
will mean so much more when i'm there.
Copyright © Daniel/Remy ... [2004-04-08 16:56:30]
THAT is what had me hanging on for so long.
You live, you learn. Thank God I'm with a REAL MAN now!
ETA (09-04-09):
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT that that so-called "REAL MAN" would be an asshole too?
In a list
- VI. Ex-Files: Break-up Poems & Poems That Were Too Good To Destroy • next in list
- {Starts With Y} • next in list
- {Prose} • next in list
- {Trophies: Bronze} • next in list
A contest entry
- Click 17. by perfectsunset.
750 points, ended June 15, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Wow this was amazing.
You have expressed SO
many emotions, and many
of which I have experienced too.
I know the feeling well of hanging
on to someone so unworthy of
even wanting to have been
held on to. It's hard to pull away
from the bad, it truly is, but you
are strong and you did it. You
found a REAL man. But this other
boyfriend of yours (the bad one)
you used to be with.. really paved
a nice way of poetry for you..
some brutally honest beautiful
thoughts you have unveiled here.
This truly touched me,
and I very much relate to it.
Thanks so much for entering & best of luck
-
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Thanks for holding this contest because without your prompts, this wouldn't be written the way it is and I'm quite happy with it. I don't even care if he comes across it one day. I'm not scared anymore.
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