dear boy who does not know the color of his eyes,
would you still haunt me if given the chance?
i still remember the day they told me you were colorblind. maroons lost their vibrance and ceruleans went pale. you were crying and touching and it killed you that you couldn't watch my eyes change color anymore.
at least i'd like to think it did.
i remember when i was seven and you were nine and you kissed me for the very first time. there was snow on the ground and stars in the sky though we had never truly felt blackened. we were young but we soon found the real tree of good and evil, and worse; we found it in eachother.
we were the dusk children, finding homes only in the folds of summer and losing everything else we were once told to live for. we felt the moon behind our bones and we had finally tasted passion for ourselves. we grew into eachother with time, twisting ribbons of ourselves into quivering skies and finding our fit within frail skeletons.
but i did not have enough bones to hold all of you in.
you remember.
you remember me getting my hands stuck in your hair as our breaths forgot how to seperate. you remember my words falling out of my lips and onto your ribs and you remember our sanity peeling itself right out of us. you remember falling in love.
though sometimes,
i do not.
i remember thinking the phone was ringing too quickly, not allowing enough time for me to dry my soul before i was required to face the music in your cries. you were my someday, my disease and my forever.
now, you are cancer. you are breaking your own fall and you do not need me to mirror you anymore. you figured out somewhere along the line that i was artificially lost; i was only broken because you thought i was beautiful when crying and you loved when my eyes would claim emerald.
but you can not see them die anymore.
i remember when i was fifteen and you were seventeen and you kissed me for the last time. there was snow on the ground and stars in the sky, but we had gotten so used to the night within us that the dark had only become a comfort. we were young and old all at the same time and that night we did not know what we thought we'd known all along. we found too many reasons to leave that night, and worse; we found them in eachother.
we lost our purpose,
we were meant to prove the world wrong-
dimming city lights because we shone so much brighter.
i'll whisper excuses to myself about how purpose can be forgotten, and how it wasn't your fault God finally found a way to seperate the sun from its setting.
i will pry myself out of you if you cannot see my colors anymore;
for i am nothing if the beauty in me
has lost its meaning.
Author notes
this is all way too real.
option 4.
a n g e l a .
A contest entry
- [the elemental rounds] water; moving on. by etoile.
1150 points, ended June 18, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [almost] anything. by owlish.
900 points, ended May 30, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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but we soon found the real tree of good and evil
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I like that, but if you're using the well-known phrase I believe it's 'root of good and evil' not tree. but idk. whatever works for you.
anyways, this is beautiful. the imagery is so sad and stunning. and I like the repetition of the ages and kissing and finding stuff in eachother.. I'm too lazy to copy/paste those parts but I loved them. the ending is incredbily powerful as well.
goodluck and thanks for entering
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this is so amazing. honestly beautiful. i love love love it.
corrections:
'we did not know what we thought we'd known all along'
all the 'wes' sound a bit reptetive. play with scentence structue and synonyms and all that good stuff.
'but you can not see them'
should be 'cannot.'
otherwise, beautiful and heart-breaking write. <33
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Wow. I love the last line. I really like your work so far. Your imagery is crystal clear, and your emotion is stark and easily felt. This is a beautiful write. Very well written.
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thank you!
i'm honored that you think so. :]
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Wow this is soooooo amazin!!!
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thank you.
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those opening stanzas are so amazing. you've turned me on to prose in the best way. it's like prosetry. and i love ti
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it's done now. :]
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loving it even more
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thank you! :]
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thank you. :]
this is nowhere near done, haha.
i'm working on it currently. :]
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pure amazing
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haha, it was nowhere near done.
it is now. :]
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