Part time love, neath full time fear.
Mixed up smell of whiskey and beer.
Can’t hear the birds outside that sing,
songs shouted down by words that sting.
A monster stalks the halls every night,
big mother fucker, just lookin’ for a fight.
A brother or mother, that’s his favorite meat;
hits them with his fists, kicks them with his feet.
Then he's gruntin’ atop of me, sayin' his love is true,
but I'm just another bitch, the minute he’s through.
All life’s bad times, recorded with a scar,
which my once smooth arms, they now mar.
It may sound strange, that for solace I go,
to a bright sharp blade, and the blood it lets flow.
I just can’t stop; maybe someday I’ll fall
and fade to a memory, hanging on the wall.
So I pray in my bed all through the long night,
that I’ll still be alone in the mornings early light.
In the hall his footfall fills me with fears,
for to me that sound, is a prelude of tears.
Author notes
some adult language option; abuse #4
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A contest entry
- Fabulous Title Prompts Brought to You by YOU by Paloszoo.
1200 points, ended June 2, 52 entries
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Honorable mention
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What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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powerful
this was sad to read and I can really feel the emotion and depth you put into this!!
Captures the reader straight away and I like your rhyme scheme; although some people think it's simple rhyme-- it still does the job and flows lovely
Welldone and thankyou for sharing x
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This is a very emotional and powerful piece. You captured a lot in this poem, the true horrors of abuse, the many forms of pain... the only thing I didn't much care for was the rhyming, you did it reasonably well, I'm just not the biggest fan of standard rhyming. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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wow a brillant poem I am loving the edge and dirty tone to this. I should say more like grimmy cause it is deffinatly all man lol. A great poem indeed I really loved what you have done with this. Thank you so very much for entering this wonderful poem.
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Yeah the third stanza is a lot better now! Thanks for letting me know about that,
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You're the second 62 year old I've ever heard swear. Or, read in this case. It still shocks me a bit!
The flow is rocked a little in the third stanza, which annoys me a bit because the content of that stanza I believe is the most powerful.
Overall though this is a fantastic write. Thank you for the entry. -
A really powerful bit of writing! I can't fault it ... you definitely are a good writer as well as a poet!
YOU HAVE BEEN HOODWINKED!
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very moving and powerful, and well done!
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Wow, this is an incredibly powerful write full of emotion and angst. Very courageous penning. You need to fix your caps and punctuation in the first stanza, though. Thanks for writing for me and for entering my contest. I’m honored that you would show your work here
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I'll be more critical (constructively) than I usually am because this poem grabbed me and made me really care about the little things I think could have been worked differently.
I loved the line "all life's bad times are recorded with a scar" but the following line could have been juggled around a bit because the word "mar" is perfect, but wasn't used in the right way. The arms should be receiving the marring rather than being responsible for it - you seem to have used it similarly to the word "bruise", where a strike to the arm could bruise it but you could also say the arms bruised. "My once smooth arms, they do now mar" or something similar would do the trick.
The only other thing I feel compelled to critique is "comes from a blade and the blood it lets leak" (Hey look, I'm a poet and...ah, n/m). The lets leak part broke up the poetry for me, if you are to amend this work at all I think you should try other ways of wording that, you wouldn't even have to resort to using "leaks" instead of "leak". That's all I had to say...the 'MFer' part wasn't for me, for as much as I love heavy cursing it rarely feels at home in poetry, but that's just personal taste.
Okay, on to the positive then. The subject matter's great and it pulls no punches. It wasn't what I thought it would be and that was a pleasant surprise. I like the harsh, uncompromising words you use, and the way the experience feels way too close and graphic. There are also some really great lines here like the aforementioned scar line, and the closing line which ends it perfectly.
Hope you don't mind the lengthy response, but this has a lot going for it so I thought I'd throw mine in. Thanks for sharing.
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A powerful poem!
Well done!
Nela
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This piece has has some literary merit though a bit sluggish in spots. Sometimes too many words in a sentence or phrase will do that to you. As an example in the line "All of lifes bad times are recorded with a scar" would flow better written "All lifes bad times are recorded with a scar. Just a thought.
You might try your eyes on a poem of mine at AP titled "Long Nights in Paradise" its somewhat like yours minus the cutting.
Happy trails and good luck with your adventures in writing,
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Powerful Words
A very stark poem on tears and fears that many face each day, even within their own families. The stunning imagery really packs a punch. Great write my friend.
Hugs and Smiles, Take care, Sandy
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