we explored the milky way collecting stardust and drops of jupiter and putting it all in a jar. we captured the northern lights, and then the midnight sun, followed by all the planets. we planned to catch the lunar eclipse as our grand finale, but you died before we got the chance. when you blinked the planets in our jar stopped spinning and the aurora borealis stopped shining. they, like me, feared your eyes would never open again. then, the blinks grew longer and each time you opened your eyes the colours of the planets and other solar things in our jar grew darker in colour, until there was nothing left, and i knew you were gone.
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i continued circling around the milky way without you, but there was nothing left of the solar system, so i went out in search of a new galaxy. i found one, but it was empty of anything so i named it after you, and emptied the jar into it. the planets all fell out and began a new solar system. now all the milky way has is the lunar eclipse.
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the definition of "jupiter" is:
the largest of the planets and fifth in order from the sun
but to me, jupiter still means you.
Author notes
prompt: milky way
l u c r e t i a .
after the first paragraph i got lost. sorry it's not my best. :\
A contest entry
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What did you think about this poem?
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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hey, i really admire your work. i love to read prose. even though i cannot write it. or any poetry for that matter.
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you really see the galaxy in his eyes. nice.
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This is beautiful!
"we captured the northern lights, and then the midnight sun, followed by all the planets. we planned to catch the lunar eclipse as our grand finale, but you died before we got the chance. "
powerful and heartfelt. Well penned, this is an incredible write.
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wow, amazing.
the ending was incredible!
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ohmygod, this is incredible. the last line is soooo powerful. amazing, beautiful write :]
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beautiful.
thanks for entering, I have already commented on this once, so sorry its not in depth or anything,
good luck -
very emotional heartfelt write. especially the haunting and beautiful last line, "but to me, jupiter still means you"
thanks for entering and good luck -
<3
finalist.
thanks for your entry and good luck! -
this is so romantic, creating a whole galaxy for him, through him, thank you for entering
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'we planned to catch the lunar eclipse as our grand finale, but you died before we got the chance.'
amazing line. thanks you so much for entering, good luck -
this was different than many peoms I've read. It was defiantely a romance, and very inspiring : )
Thanks for entering
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and i really like this one to,
it has really strong emotion in it. -
you didn't,
i just talkin about you using the enter button so much.
don't worry,
i still think its great. -
Get It!
This poem was cool. It was different, it was romantic, it was emotional, and it made you think. Great work!
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'we planned to catch the lunar eclipse as our grand finale, but you died before we got the chance.' - Wow, what a powerful line. Very abrupt.
'the definition of "jupiter" is:
the largest of the planets and fifth in order from the sun
but to me, jupiter still means you.' - Amazing ending.
This was absoutley beautiful.
Thank you so much for entering my contest and good luck. -
yes.
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yes
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oooo, i love this, i feel like i was floating around in the universe watching such wonders and felt the touching vibes within your words.
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Gosh, this really is lovely.
"the definition of "jupiter" is:
the largest of the planets and fifth in order from the sun
but to me, jupiter still means you."
I love this.
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yes
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ohh, yesss.
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Yes.
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Yes? What does that mean? Good, bad, what?
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You entered our rounds contest and each judge gives you a yes or a no. After the close of the contest, one tallies the votes and the winners move on to the next round.
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Actually, I really like it. It seems that the poem itself is unraveling, just like the first paragraph wraps and then unravels a person's life.
Very nice.
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i love this. the ending is so beautiful and your imagery is just amazing.
'it was empty of anything so i named it after you'
i really like that part.
really beautiful prose. amazing job.
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"and emptied the jar into it. the planets all fell out and began a new solar system. "
brilliant image. I can see it so clearly in my mind.
just wow. this is vivid and definitely beautiful. love where you took the prompt! <3
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this is absolutely beautiful.
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THE PART ABOUT EMPTYING THE JAR ALMOST MADE ME CRY.
i swear it was like the freakin part of titanic where the old lady throws the diamonds into the ocean at the end.
i don't know why... but i may end up being a stealllerrrr and using something like that in some of my own writing.
i agree with hourglass, this could have been reallllllly cliche if you didn't do it well, but you did. you definitely did.
you're on my favorites for sure after that.
it is RARE that i say this, but your simple approach to such a metaphorical story really touched my heart.
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I like the simplistic approach -- and you got straight to the point. I thought this could have potentially been an awfully unoriginal prose, but the way you wrote this has proved otherwise; this is original. And I like how you focused on one image, without making it boring and overdone. The message is clear and creative enough to my liking. I like this!
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you didn't get lost.
this whole thing is beautiful. i absolutely LOVE the ending
are you on my favourites?
if not, you're on your way there.
thanks for entering! -
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hehe, thanks.
and no, i'm not on your favourites,
but i'll keep working on it till i get there!
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