Normal

As cliche as it may sound, my life changed when Robert and I started dating. From early childhood, given my violent upbringing, I saw myself as unworthy, not pretty or smart enough, not good enough. Most people aspire for riches and glory. My humble aspiration was for a normal life.
Our initial meeting was far from normal. Immediately after my marital separation, a girlfriend introduced me to "adult chat," as a means to distract from my hellish reality. I was amazed and appalled at this environment, but integrated as a wallflower, observing without participation. It was here that I noticed him, observing further that his tactics were similar to mine. He was a participating non-participant. We planted a seed of friendship that would grow slowly, each conversation and each moment spent together nurturing a love that would take eight years to bloom.

A year ago next month, I sat, staring at his camera view, admiring the gentle gaze in his eyes, the warm smile he sent my way and I wondered why I couldn't have someone in my life like him. He was so...NORMAL! He knew just what to say and when to say it, and seemed so unaffected by his surroundings. Within the folds of our usual banter, I boldly posed the following question: "When are you going to let me fall in love with you?" This one semi-joking statement began a mutual analysis, him realizing I might actually be serious, me wondering if I might possibly be good enough for him.

I was serious, even if I wasn't sure about it at the time. I missed him when he was gone, and thought about him more often than I would about just anyone. Not knowing what NORMAL love was, I had no idea that the feelings I had for him were developing into something so powerful.

Am I good enough for him? I still don't know. When, however, I am enveloped in his loving arms and locked in his gentle gaze, I feel as though I am. I feel....normal.