My diet pill weakened heart
pounds out a song of protest
against the ten long miles that
I have just run at the break of dawn
In the quiet safety of my room
I remove all of my layers of clothes
that normally hide all of my hard earned bones
from the critical eyes of a jealous world
I stand in front of my full length mirror
and stare at my body that is now
clothed only in a sports bra and panties
despite the fact that I can clearly see
the sharp angles and hard edges of all
of my bones I still feel that I could stand
to lose maybe just ten more pounds
Even as I say this to myself
I know I am a complete liar
Forty five pounds ago I told
myself that I would really look
so much better ten pounds thinner
The problem was at ten pounds lighter
I thought I could improve myself
even more by losing another ten
Every time I lose ten more pounds
I find that I still need to lose just a little
more of that ugly baby fat still clinging on
I know deep down inside that I am on
a mission imposssible and I will never reach
a weight or a place where I am satisfied
Collapsing in a troubled heap at the side of my bed
I cry and mourn for the self I lost when I started
myself on this diet of self depravation and destruction
It is five AM and all the world is asleep but I am stuck
in a living hell because my starving body can't rest
there are too many runs to go on and push ups to do
I want to stop but anorexia has caught me in its web
and I am slowly being drained of all of my life force
I tell myself I want to be free of this disease but
I like being so thin that people stare and whisper
I love the feeling of having nothing inside me but air
I feel powerful controlling that number on the scale
It feels like an accomplishment to be able to ask
"Excuse me but do you have this in size 000?"
With a sigh I get up from the side of my bed
pull on a shawl and feel my bony body dig
uncomfortably into the floor as I prepare
for my first set of 100 sit ups and push ups
I'll just lose ten more pounds before I stop
Yeah right.
A contest entry
- Eating Disorders - Mondays in April Official Contest May 2009 by April Somerston.
475 points, ended June 10, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Surrender To My Madness (Round One) by Agrona.
780 points, ended September 11, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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(bows softly)
This was very sad...and very well written. You could see the pain, desparation, and utter lost self control. The feeling of never being good enough...So mindkilled...but one we have all the time. Very well done.
Best of luck,
Your Czarina,
~Seraph -
Love it.
The imagery in this is perfect. I can picture this so well. I know exactly what anorexia, and now bulimia, feel like. You are a very good writer, hang on to that. =)
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I feel the same same same way. Everyone tells me i am way to skinny but i dont believe it! just ten more pounds and i would be fine
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This is well written and I think it shows what some people with eating disorders don't admit; that you know it's gone too far, and you know you won't be happy, but you keep losing anyway.
I like that you show it for the fact it's a disease, and not in the glamourous 'I love my ed' that some people put.
One little criticism though, you say 'I have just ran', where it should be 'I ran' or 'I have just run'
Good luck x -
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