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Calm lake ripples (Pantoum)

The sunset danced over calm lake ripples,
beautiful topaz glint in your eyes reflected.
Looking into those jewels, the pain, it cripples,
seeing you smile, none of that's detected.

Beautiful topaz glint in your eyes reflected,
long flowing hair the color of summer corn.
Seeing you smile none of that's detected,
acting carefree as the day you were born.

Long flowing hair the color of summer corn,
hiding the bruises on each of her arms.
Acting carefree as the day you were born,
Ive been quite smitten, by your ample charms.

Hiding the bruises on each of her arms,
looking into those eyes, the pain, it cripples.
I've been quite smitten, by your ample charms,
the sunset danced over calm lake ripples.

Author notes

My Form/Style to write:
Pantoum

The pantoum consists of a series of quatrains rhyming ABAB in which the second and fourth lines
of a quatrain recur as the first and third lines in the succeeding quatrain; each quatrain introduces a
new second rhyme as BCBC, CDCD. The first line of the series recurs as the last line of the closing
quatrain, and third line of the poem recurs as the second line of the closing quatrain, rhyming ZAZA.

The design is simple:

Line 1
Line 2
Line 3
Line 4

Line 5 (repeat of line 2)
Line 6
Line 7 (repeat of line 4)
Line 8

Continue with as many stanzas as you wish, but the ending stanzathen repeats the second and
fourth lines of the previous stanza (as its first and third lines), and also repeats the third line of
the first stanza, as its second line, and the first line of the first stanza as its fourth. So the first
line of the poem is also the last.

Last stanza:

Line 2 of previous stanza
Line 3 of first stanza
Line 4 of previous stanza
Line 1 of first stanza

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Comments


  • AndrewHide silver member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    A very good pantoum, the subject is very well delt with and the form good and strong.
    I found line 6/9 a bit of a mouthful but can't suggest an alternative.

    Andrew


  • Ami
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    This was really good my favorite part was the 3rd stanza Great flow as always thank you for entering my contest and good luck
       -♥Amy♥


  • Night Terrors
    May 22

    Edit | Reply
    that was great Pantoums are kinda hard to pull off at times. You really did amazing though I am going to add this to the finalist list.