Let me serenade you - leaping,
sweeping in ascending moods,
shooting splinter strikes and shredding
through vanilla parachutes.
Liberate in flatted sevens,
through warm strikes and licks of fire,
capture, lead you through the heavens,
stroke your soul strings like a lyre.
Pull off, hammer, hit and hold,
blur and slur through bright assault,
kill you soft then love you bold -
polyphonic kiss gestalt.
Love - interpolated flourish -
tone and scale through risk revealed.
Syncopate, sustain and nourish
drones that leave you slain or healed.
Or you'll touch your throat and quiver,
trilling treacling through the riff -
from my fretting to the bridge there's
lots of string to gambol with...
Author notes
but first, does anyone have a guitar?
(and yes treacle IS a word that can be used as a verb cause i just decided so. i'm thinking the definition would be something like to trickle in a painfully sweet way.)
as always, i am looking for constructive criticism - don't hold back. i have read this so many times, i can't tell what sounds ackward...
Comments
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Yes!
Still mysterious, but such lovely rhythms, and striking imagery. I wonder whether in the fourth verse,'up' could be inserted before 'through'. I think it would scan better. I have now spent about a half an hour mulling over the metre and so on. Enough!
Liked the polyphonic kisses gestalt line.
Well done!
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i am conflicted about that verse. i'm trying to tell myself that it can be read by stressing 'I' and 'eyes' instead of 'soar' and 'shut' thus maintaining the rhythm and metre. probably wishful thinking. but i am sure i am not done revising.
anyway, your input and insight has been helpful. i appreciate your time and careful consideration.
i will return the favor soon. cheers! -
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You are right!
I now see, having read a few more times, that you should convince yourself to read it that way - I am becoming more and more of the view that it should be read out, and I think that the fluency intercut with staccatto, would be very effective. Gerard manley Hopkins did something like it, when inventing his own 'sprung rhythm', eg ' I caught this morning morning's minion'
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Numerous bright images
I think the writer has a clear idea of what she means, in each verse, and overall. I did not share that. I think it would be improved by more clarity, and the imagery would come into its own, much enhanced.
Likewise, the writer may be deliberately juggling with metre and rhythms, but I don't think so. Thus, the penultimate verse is completely iambic, with a couple of rhymes, and the first three lines of the last are also iambic. The rest is all over the place; the second line in particular, is very juddering. The writer probably can see that some of the rhymes are not rhymes. It may well sound better spoken.
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duly noted.
i just completed a rewrite for rhyme, metre and clarity. what do you think?
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my fingers hurt
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hahaha
am i being unrealistic?
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I see that treacle is sometimes used to indicate an antidote for poison--also, a sweet kind of candy. This certainly fits in well with your theme of ambivalence. Please don't revise anything. This is witty and free. I love it.
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thank you. - Mary Jo
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