I once watched it in a cartoon
and it looked funny
amusing
interesting
so I took a pair of metal jaws
and cut the folded white skin
along the traces of graphite
that friction held on to
the paper dolls took my fingers
and danced in the gap of my arms.
but i couldn't move. because,
they were still incomplete.
i tore away their hearts
and blew them away
like confetti
and they fell like rain,
but the concrete said they were bitter
and refused to taste them.
i shrugged.
i carried the chain fondly
and hung them in place of curtains
so that maybe
the sun could pierce their battered holes
and maybe
it might feel warmer.
but the sun shivered
and escaped
and that night
the moon was too busy
to even illuminate the rust on my nails
where the pink enamel had curled away in disgust.
Author notes
Prompt: paper hearts & curling paint.
*before anyone tries to correct the small "i"s let me say that it's put there purposely to show that the speaker feels very small. almost cornered.
*title title.. i need a better title..
A contest entry
- be prompted by owlish.
700 points, ended May 16, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - bronze II by Salty Hibiscus.
525 points, ended June 11, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critiques welcome!
Comments
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8/10
I quite like the balance of this. Its pretty much perfect for the style you're using and conveys everything quite nicely with the words chosen.
I've never been one to see deeper meanings in poetry than what is presented explicitly, but the explicit story is quite intriguing n.n.
I do have one minor note. Using the adjective phrase version of a noun to describe itself isn't exactly effective use of imagery is it? The adjective phrase itself becomes redundant and, basically, dead weight.
Here:
"i tore away their hearts in the shape a heart"
Given the 'weight' of your verses throughout I actually have a simple solution if you don't mind the suggestion. -- simply take it down to "i tore away their hearts" .
This serves a duality of creating a more direct metaphor stating literal hearts rather than literal, yet still figurative ones (an oxy-moron your adjective phrase presents).
Of course if this oxy-moron, or some other purpose, were intended, I apologize for missing the point n.n.
Nice work mate, very nice read.
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Thank you!
I appreciate the comments that you left, especially the revision.
Now that I read it again after so long, your thoughts hold true. It does become redundant.
I think all I intended to say with "in the shape of a heart" was that all the paper dolls would have the same shape of heart (like 'mine') after 'I' tore them away, but yeah, really, who would think that far? Or, if it was something else, I've pretty much forgotten now. heh..
I'll edit it.
Thanks!
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awesomeness.
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