In this land of make believe
We run around blackened trees.
Slowly, slowly, green grass fades
Into the back of a colorless frame.
Thus we are, happily fooled through haunting illusions set nicely behind our
eyes,
Due simply, to our great and all powerful King.
Laughing children we are, in this game of make believe,
Where everything seems to fit so perfectly.
Lifeless wilderness regains its color within our minds as
The King beckons us to remain blind.
Approvingly, our eyes are steadfast shut.
"Forever more," whispered softly on the wind,
A promise of pain long vanished.
And, yes, of course,
Our foolishness will not sway.
A flaming fire in the midst of pleasure --and yet our brothers’ cries we do
not hear.
A snarling lion attacking a friend, our smiles stay plastered, even after --
yes, he is carried away in death.
Our wonderful, happy world will not be touched by many or one,
Our King -our Guardian- has filled this world to its brim with fun!
Nothing to worry over, nothing to care for;
We are here, in such wonderful bleakness, living for ourselves and nothing
else.
"You and no one else, forever more....Forever more,"
The soft voice floats across the earth.
"Me and me. Forever more, forever more,"
The chant rings out in a hundred million voices,
Stretching to the oceans floor.
Destruction is felt in this powerful curse as tectonic plates begin to shift
A hiss of demise is heard by one and one alone.
Our King. Our Protector.
Joyfully our celebration of life continues,
One after another follows the other in a continuous, unchanging carefree
ring
While the earth commences its up heaving havoc.
With no warning,
Jolly faces no longer beam as bright luminous lights.
Our Shepard has left our sides,
Leaving the panicked state nature has erupted into inside agonizing
breaths.
Clutching our hearts, praying for the return of the Savior - our Guard - who
is no where,
Vanished, vanquished from our sights, we run, no longer blind--Oh, how we
prefer that blindness we have lived.
There’s a crunch, crash –boom! Trees are turning up their roots!
One after another precedes the other in an untimely death,
Swimming in masses of fire and long dried roots- Oh, why Lord, why?
His majesty, our Lord, is indignant in reply,
“It is your own doing, not mine.”
“What have we done, we were with you, we followed you, you and you only!”
The cry is weak, so many dead, so few left.
The earth shifts once more.
Our Guardian responds from a hidden place,
“You mock your Creator, for you alone have you followed.”
“You and no one else…you…you…me…me, me.”
“No! You! It was you!”
A laugh like thunder,
Winds sent to spread the fire.
Deception,
A thing never before known.
Author notes
This is party satirical. I had so much fun writing it.
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A contest entry
- EVERYTHING/ANYTHING-PW allowed! by Heva Feva.
400 points, ended June 8, 172 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrite conest by serenity silvermoon.
1500 points, ended June 12, 429 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Stupore Rounds -Prewrites- by rainbows..
400 points, ended August 19, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive criticism plz
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Yes. Cautiously. x.o
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No, sorry.
I liked this, just not what I'm looking for. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Josh
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yes, cautiously.
you seem talented. -
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Thank you for your comments. Im curious, 2 yes's and one no means...?
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we have a fourth judge as well, and if she comments yes, you can move on to round two. if she comments no, your poem will be put on a list with other poems that have two yesses and two nos where the four judges can deliberate.
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ohh, okay. Thank you : )
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This is sweet. I think you did a remarkable job on this. It's very thought provoking and it's execution was remarkable.
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Well, certainly a well thought out piece. We follow ourselves and don't care about our brothers, even in their death we smile because it is them and not us. And the end indicates blame on ourselves.
I must admit I have to read your poems more than once to feel the meaning...and then I may be off.
Very well written.
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Its a satyr.
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I see! Wonderful
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Its a satyr.
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A laugh like thunder,
Winds sent to spread the fire.
Deception,
A thing never before known.
a good aha moment ... springing surprise upon the reader. Nice job. -
I really enjoyed this poem...touches of apathy, and
lovely awakening...and then the brutal finger pointing
of accountability.
loved it!
I bet this was a joy to write!
Do you know what I hear from the heavens above:
Better hold on tight
OPEN YOUR EYES IN AWE
for the time has come
to AWAKEN
and prove to mankind
that they are connected tenderly
world-wide and if they fail to open
their ears and hearts.....
then hit them where it hurts..
in the charge cards and wallets!
ouch!
ouch!
dang I miss my mastercard!
giggle.
ears/Seattle
loved this poem!
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Thanks for the comments.
Yeah, its meant to be satyrical.
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Beautiful rhyme and rhythm. Great job. Good luck and thanks for entering my contest.
-heva -
"You and no one else, forever more....Forever more,"
The soft voice floats across the earth.
I love these lines. stunning write. -
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Thanks : ) Glad you liked it.
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it paints a picture.
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hm, its a bit hard to read, try taking out the hanging indent. also, why don't you take apart those paragraphs a bit? such as here -'A snarling lion attacking a friend, our smiles stay plastered, even after --
yes, he is carried away in death.'
what about
a snarling lion attacking friend,
our smiles stay plastered,
...even after--
yes, even after he is carried away in death.
but thats a just a thought dear, you know I enjoy this poema mucha!
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lol, silly, the hanging indentation is because the sentence is not finished. It is apparently a form of "proper poetic technique". Remember when I asked the Shaddster for her opinion on it cuz I sent this to that college that wanted me? That is how I learned of it.
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Oh really?
it just annoys me xD
oooh yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaah I remember nao, I wasn't paying attention at that time though, I were hyperness. :3
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hehehe nice man.
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xD
well then again, so does left alinging anything lol
I don't know why it annoys me so much. 0.o
weird pet peeve type deal huh?
thats why all my crap(well execpt papers obviously) is centered. ^_^ -
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lol, yeah that is very very true...but I likah teh hanging indentations on this one lol :33!
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