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This Pearl Escapes

a shadow in my past,
you haunt me.
every face I see,
brings tears to my being.
a scope into the future...
every song reminds me.
that I'm a loser.
holding me tight,
my dreams turn to nightmares and fright.
as the sun bakes my skin,
every freckle shows my sin!
Pearls escape their mounts?
and you... My Love... are no-where to be found.

Author notes

Well I wrote this really out of it, and dazed. Although, the more i read this chicken scratched poem, the more I loved it. Please give a super honest opinion, my goal in this contest is to improve this poem.

A contest entry

hmmm... give an honest opinion!

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Kendal Palmer gold member
    May 26
    Edit | Reply
    I think you have done a great job on this...don't change a thing!!! thank you for sharing it...peace and light, Kendal

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    May 21

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this I am not to fond of all capped lines and very little punctuations makes the lines never stop other then that great write thanks for entry be well.


  • aboomer silver member
    May 21

    Edit | Reply
    I like the depth and emotion in this. For me, every line being capped takes away from the impact of this. Other than that - it's written from a personal level, and I really can't critique that as it is from your heart - so I wouldn't change it (other than caps)...
    nicely done.

    thank you for your entry
    best wishes in the contest


  • islekine gold member
    May 21

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha...and thanks so much for entering!

    You have a wonderful way with words...I loved..."As the sun bakes my skin
    Every freckle shows my sin"
    Well penned! Best wishes in the contest and always!
    Write on and on!


  • redbarchettadrive gold member
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    I like this. Just a few suggestions to give or take:

    1) A shadow from my past?

    2) Do away with the 2 pieces of punctuation.
    It's not fair to the rest of the poem.

    3) Holding me tight is on the razor's edge of cliche.
    Change to something more flesh splitting and descriptive. (I have faith in ya!)

    4) Pearls escape their mounts...BRILLIANT!


  • Kendal Palmer gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    this has a real sense of desperation to it...I think you have done a great job bringing that emotion into the light...Good luck with the contest...peace an dlight always in all ways, kp

1 - 6 of 6