These days I find myself in one of three distinct moods at various times throughout the day One moment I seem to be still and calm, contemplating the moment which seems surreal, seemingly disembodied and watching myself go through the motions of the day. More often I am so terribly sad as the full weight of reality bears down on me.
The truth of my prospective future stares me in the face and my heart grieves for what cannot be. There will be no happy days ahead as I dream and hope for, there is no one that would have me as I am now.
In some fantasy realms I can appear as young and vibrant as I choose, there are no scars, no extra unwanted curves.
The clothing looks hot, as does the digital character that wears them and they are wanted and desired.
Sadly, there are so very few that see beyond the exterior and care for the person inside and yet, I foolishly hope for it. My heart aches for it, wishing the one I love could love me in return for all that I am. It is a dream though that I must let go of as it will not happen.
And so the tears flow, the core of me breaks a little more and I draw closer to that finality that calls to me.
Once again I recall that day in which I cried out to God asking why I was born and to please take me from this place. The only thing that seems to have changed from that day, is that now I wish to stay for someone to love me, but that will not be so.
It is in that place of fantasy entertained when I talk with the one I love, that I smile and am the happiest. In those moments I allow myself to believe that I am loved and wanted, and even desired by the one I love so very much. At those times my heart sings and dances among the stars as I allow the escape from reality to occur.
Tell me my slim core of sanity, why should one remain in this moment when finality calls me so strongly?
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