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Diaphanous Daydreams

Lusting for the ethereal fragility of fairy-tale lore,
she dreams of sliding gossamer over angled hips;
of slender necks encased in black velvet bands;
of lace clinging delicately to starved rib cages.

She mistakes sharp, bitter beauty for tallow,
but reality's eyes know the truth; she's hollow.
This withering gem, with weeping willow tears,
is lost; now a wispy, translucent shimmer.


Author notes

n o s e r i n g g i r l

OBSESSION



Inspired by the picture

"Sorrows of the Moon"
by Sarachmet


http://fc09.deviantart.com/fs18/i/2007/192/2/6/Sorrows_of_the_Moon_by_Sarachmet.jpg

I was actively bulimic (mixed with some restricting and other anorexic tendencies) for about 7 years, and have been recently recovering. it has been almost 1 year since I last binged and purged. I have been doing extraordinarily well (thanks mostly to my wonderful soul mate) and continue to stay strong. Eating disorders are horrible illnesses to deal with. My hear and thoughts go out to all those who suffer from these diseases. <3

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 27 of 27

  • masked-monster
    October 2

    Edit | Reply
    This was a good write, I feel your pain and can relate to what you are saying! Not many people can admit their problem, and Im glad to know you are in recovery good luck to you with that. Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck!


  • Rick Weston silver member
    September 28
    Edit | Reply
    very good writing, revealing and pressing to see the "wispy, translucent shimmer". great language used - well done.


  • Keith E. Gerber
    September 1

    Edit | Reply

    Good write


    I look forward to reading more of your work. I do thank you for entering my contest. I do not think I am qualified to judge poetry so please accept my praise for this poem.


  • Florida Sunshine
    August 29

    Edit | Reply
    Truly it is beautifully written. I do think there are many things people don't see, yet they should. I like the overall presentation of the piece, it stands-out, and is easy to read. I believe the title should be 'Diaphanous' with an 'a' not an 'o'. However, for the purpose of this contest is more about the message being said, and not about grammar and spelling.

    Beautiful and heartfelt. Thanks for entering the contest. It was my pleasure having you here. I intend to have the judging completed at the close of the contest.

  • division
    August 18
    Edit | Reply
    First off, I am so sorry about your personal issue and I wish you all the best. I thought this wasn't bad at all. I liked the imagery, but it kind-of got wordy at the end. I have the same problem too sometimes; it's just something we have to work on. at the moment, I'm going to say no, because I want to see how you grow as a poet. audition for next season? Thank you!


  • aeolia
    August 14

    Edit | Reply
    I like the subject [although it is a little cliche, but it is personal to you] and I very much admire your strength with overcoming such a terrible ordeal. I wish you all the best

    Now it's judging time:

    Originality – 7/10
    Cohesion - 10/10
    Imagery/Metaphor – 8/10
    Flow/Structure – 9/10
    Diction/Verbiage - 3/5
    Grammar/Spelling- 5/5
    Rules Followed - 5/5
    Emotion – 3/5
    Syntax – 4/5
    Title – 2/5
    Reaction – 3/5
    Overall Opinion – 3/5

    Total: 62/80

    Some of this seemed a little melodramatic, especially the "weeping willow tears" bit. I took off on imagery/metaphor because, while some of it worked for me and gave me a clear image, some of it didn't; slender necks encased in velvet is easily imagined, but it is hard to get a grip on something like "harsh beauty" or whatever phrase you used there and elsewhere. It's not concrete, and therefore not as powerful.

    Also, it is a bit wordy. There are a bunch of adjectives and adverbs that you could cut with no harm done to the core of your piece. I took off a little on diction/verbiage for the wordiness.

    Thanks for auditioning and good luck!

    -endymion


  • kerrypn
    August 14

    Edit | Reply
    Powerful and moving. This is a very brave and honest poem, and your choice of words really shows the brutality of an eating disorder. Very well written, and I was very pleased to read you are on the road to recovery. Best of luck in the future, and in the contest.


  • Wolffan
    July 19
    Edit | Reply
    Very lovely.
    The word choice and imagery is fantastic
    I enjoyed it a lot.
    Good luck. (:


  • Leance
    July 13
    Edit | Reply
    Absolutely wonderful to hear you have been in recovey for a year. And yes, it is recovery. Now you just need to maintain which is significantly more difficult than admitting you have a problem. You captured this very well and I do so hope you continue with your recovery. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck in the contest.
    Leance L


  • forbidden-colour
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    Calming, insightful. I am loving the title!
    Thank you for entering and the best of luck goes to you.
    Take care
    Sophie

  • piccola silver member
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    I love this title. The poem is complete but somehow I am left wanting more. Thank you for entering.


  • etoile
    June 7

    Edit | Reply
    the imagery in this is astounding. it really blew me away and I usually like longer pieces. this was fantastic. great write.

    goodluck and thanks for entering


  • April Somerston
    June 6
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry, gotta disqualify since you've already won a trophy.


  • Draig aine gold member
    May 29

    Edit | Reply

    congradulations on the silver

    this is wonderffully written , the imagery is most exellent, it just takes you right along in the flow
    you close is perfect

    This withering gem, with weeping willow tears,
    is lost; now a wispy, translucent shimmer.

    best of luck in the contest


  • black hearted rebel
    May 29

    Edit | Reply
    Your poem amazes me I really like how you write!the use of the alliterations really added to it!another good job


  • DramaQueen469 gold member
    May 29

    Edit | Reply

    Peer Pressure :)

    This is a beautifully-written poem, with fantastic imagery. Well done!
    Thanks for sharing, and best of luck in the contest

    Maria


  • Guerrero
    May 28
    Edit | Reply
    i love this. i know what eating disorders are like. i have had a couple. congrats on the recovery! i havent had mine in a few years although i have been fighting them. but anyway enough about me. this was great and said the stuff i couldnntget out. what so few understand is how hard these disorders are.

  • Unholy Sinner
    May 27
    Edit | Reply
    I like the imagery, great job.


  • Bosiarbooger gold member
    May 27

    Edit | Reply

    well done

    congrats on the silver an important poem on an important subject reading almost soft but carrying a mighty punch. your words stick in my mind. Deserving of more than silver. Boog


  • Jade-
    May 27

    Edit | Reply
    Very good.

    The imagery was very good here. I could see your words. That's great. Short, but gets the point across.

    Nicely done.

    Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck.


  • RawrSmileBabyPlz
    May 27

    Edit | Reply
    -I'm shellz i am helping xXPrincessTragedyXx with her contest-
    Thiis was a powerful wriite somehow i could piicture the smallest detail in my miind. Theres no other poem like this, it was so beautiful and it made its point.

    shellz


  • MarkiMalady.xo
    May 27
    Edit | Reply
    i deffinatly feel your pain in this
    i know what its like to want to feel soo ..beautiful and perfect
    you really wow-ed me on this ..and i can really relate to it [:

    Beautiful beautiful poem and [it has been almost 1 year since I last binged and purged] keep going strong [:

  • division
    May 27

    Edit | Reply
    (Hi, I am Nathan and I am helping xXPrincessTragedyXx with her contest.)

    Wow, this is definitely a powerful poem, that really made me speechless. Your use of strong vocabulary and imagery painted a picture in my thoughts and I feel as if I really didn't want the poem to end! It was just that good!

    I have to applaud you, as well. I am so happy that you strayed away from SI, and went with a true, personal subject and wrote about it! Originality points for you!

    Overall, great write and good luck!


  • perfectsunset gold member
    May 26
    Edit | Reply
    I REALLY like where you
    went with this prompt. You
    were daring and definitely
    coloured outside the lines,
    and it worked so well.

    How you portrayed an eating
    disorder, from a photo I
    would never depict that from,
    is exceptional.

    I loved your use of visuals
    and deep metaphor as well.

    Best of luck & thanks for entering


    • NoseRingGirl
      May 26
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you SOOO much for silver. I loved this picture; it just struck me so immediately and completely. I am so proud of this piece; thank you so much again!


  • toomysterious
    May 21
    Edit | Reply
    Lovely words to express such pain.


  • individuality gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply
    a good piece of poetry penned here - good rich language used, and the message, it is loud and clear.

1 - 27 of 27