this could be the
last time I see you
the floor is
sticky, the skin
on my feet makes
a retching sound
when it is pulled
across it.
you offer me
a cold, burnt,
off-brand biscuit.
I'm not that hungry.
the various and
sundry dogs you
own whine for
food. I knew it
was this bad-
and still
I will never believe
it.
it is still fixable.
still turn-around-able.
still as in not
moving.
I am losing you.
"what is it you
do again?" a spin
of the head.
the house is on
the other side of the
sun.
"nothing yet" I admit.
I should quit hoping.
quit holding my
nose and let
the water push up
inside. nothing
sexual;
just sink.
"think about it"
you say. your
fingers are grey
from all the
cigarettes. your
lips are flaky under
the lipstick.
"things were
easy when we
were kids". when we
lived like we
had souls. the whole
house shakes
when you walk.
it's not my fault.
I should stop
being so pretentious.
I wish I could
start over,
and I'm not sure
if these are your
thoughts or mine
but I'm pretty sure
we both agree.
I should leave
soon. or now, but
how you are looking
at me begs otherwise.
spend the night, you
don't say, but I can't
stay this time.
you cry when
I leave and tell
me to please
come visit you.
but I'm through.
I step over dead
stray dogs on
the gravel road.
In a list
A contest entry
- subtleties of love by Cat.
3500 points, ended May 30, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any advice is welcome
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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The emotions spent in this writ tend to overwhelm the reader, as I am almost certain that all adults and even teens have experienced this mood. I agree with Cat when she enlists that in certain areas the elimination of words such as "the" would trim this poem into a perfect-pitched presentation. Sometimes “less is more”.
All and all, your words unleash feelings that often lie bridled in the heart. Great work poet!
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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lots to like in this piece- i think it could use some revisions to pop the images out.. but the images are good. I like the retching sound of feet on the floor
--
the piece is thick with extraneous words-- and i think it causes you to lose your reader a bit..
for example:
the various and
sundry dogs you
own whine for
food. I knew it
was this bad-
your dogs
whine. i knew
it was bad.
etc.
glad to find you here..
m
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there isn't much to say other than wow... i love your style, chick. you write the way i think but can't ever word when it comes down to it. seeing mundane things crisply as they are, yet also understanding their huge importance in the big picture. it's beautiful. I especially loved:
"things were
easy when we
were kids". when we
lived like we
had souls.
and the fourth stanza from the bottom.
you never fail to impress me. -
WOW! Love this. There isn't really anything else to say. Bravo! Welcome to my favourite poems list.
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thanks so much!
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Wow. I haven't seen a poem from you in a long time and I definitely miss them! You have a such an open and perspective way of writing that it feels like I'm standing next to you and hearing your personal thoughts while all this goes on. It's sad but it feels like you're tying the loose ends of your life up. I know what it is to try and go back and find that things just aren't what they once were. You did a great job with this.
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yes. things are never quite the same. thank you.
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dear lord.
brought tears to my eyes literally.
this is very excellent. i love how you capture moments, how you describe very simple things.
and complex things in just a few words.
winning the contest is irrelevant, this poem IS gold.
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thank you very much. one thing I also try to do when decribing such an emotional non-fiction experience is to transfer what I am feeling right at that moment to whoever is reading it. Sometimes I'll read poems months, years, or even just days later and find that I don't feel quite the same way anymore. but I'm always glad that I caught the moment when I did. Like a picture. I'm glad I accomplished this, at least with you.
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as always.
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