You say you love me
But this broken angel cries
As thoughts of suicide dance through the mist between her ears
My blood-red veins are running black.
I watch you leave with that haunting smile
Spread horribly across your teeth,
Dripping with the sweet black liquid that you sucked from my heart.
Intensify the mist,
Leave behind no remorse for my pain.
As I sit here alone, rocking myself back and forth
Over and over again.
I am a coward.
Watch me quivver as you walk away.
I am selfish
As I'm begging you to stay.
The mist pours from my eyes and mouth
As I scream and watch you go.
You, my dark devil, fade behind the mist
As my pain spills over and engulfs me,
Tearing all hope from my sight
And I succumb further to the pain that I wrap myself in.
And the child cries a broken cry
Grows silent, still, then smiles.
A death avenged, life for life,
I scream and fall,
As black blood pours from within me.
Author notes
This is the first poem i've writen (and actually felt somewhat happy with) in about a year. : ) Yay for inspiration?
A contest entry
- Depth, Emotion, Imagery. by Fire-Fly.
600 points, ended May 25, 76 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is the first poem i've written in a while, hows the flow?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I really love the first three lines because it just pulls me in... Lovely imagery~ I can almost see it. The last line is also very pulling... Like tugging at something deep within me... ^^
Good luck in the contest~
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You have written with amazing imagery and depth, your language is incredibly emotive and the overall effect is superb.
I would usually quote my favourite line or two or a part which has left a particular impression on me, but in your case it would mean quoting the whole poem - that is how much of an impression this has made on me. I absolutely love it, it just clicks with me.
Very well done here.
Thanks for entering and good luck in my contest. -
love it
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There are bits of this that I love, and that I can really understand, on a personal level. I've been depressed for such a long time, and although I'm anti-suicide, I've made more than my fair share of attempts on my own life. As they say, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem": it is never painless, for anyone.
You've got some great imagery here, though the whole blood/pain/broken/scream thing is waaaaay overdone. Try using different words to engage your reader... Of course, you don't want to sound like you swallowed a thesaurus either. It should read naturally, but don't change it for change's sake; make it raw, real... and you
I would also recommend breaking this up into smaller stanzas. Smaller sections means that it's easier for the reader to understand, and when the subject-matter is something so heavy, I think the reader needs a moment to stop and breathe in-between thoughts. Oh, and don't forget to proofread
Keep up the good work!
Laura
aka Immortal Obscurity.
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this is very sad to read. i hope that it is not really how you are feeling as suicide is never the answer. you wrote this well. the imagery is very good. thank you for sharing this with me and i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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