Younger years were sympathetic
Silver-tongued lies synthetic
Lacking heart to be prophetic
Suffering a diabetic
Dreams and sadness kill the madness
For the sorrow of tomorrow
Anemic smiles scream out conviction
Atomic lies of soul's addiction
Everything is causing friction
A life controlled by self-infliction.
~Jessica Lee
5/25/09
10:14 PM
Author notes
Is the middle verse obnoxious?
Should I remove it?
A contest entry
- Pick a word - Write a poem in 10 LINES or Less (Y) by The Fun House.
1050 points, ended June 7, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 2 prewrites a poet, you know you want to enter ^.^ by Kathraina.
800 points, ended October 16, 156 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
I like the middle line, but maybe put it in italics to support its being there amongst the rhyme
I really like what you've penned here, the rhyme is flawless and the concept relateable to many readers.
bravo and thank you for entering
♥ kate -
Awesome!
DO NOT REMOVE IT!! NO WAY!! -
hm.. I'm not sure that the middle line is obnoxious, but I don't think it should be there. Hm.... Wonderful write, just fix the middle verse!
♥Seasonings
-
I don’t think they are obnoxious but yes, I do think I would either remove or reword those two lines a bit, they are a bit too sing song for the rest of the piece and a little distracting. The rest of the piece is quite creative and with a bit of venom. I like that. Well done
-
good
i ♥ it i thnk that it is something people whould really enkoy reading -
not obnoxious at all...why did you think that might be the case...I think you could actually expand upon it a bit more...flesh it out...I liked this poem...glad I clicked...good job!! peace an dlight, Kendal
-
-
Thank you. =]
I thought it seemed a bit out of place compared to the other two stanzas, like it was interrupting the flow. I don't know.
And actually, I do think I'm going to expand upon this. Writing shorter poems always makes me feel like I'm leaving something unfinished. At the moment, however, it needs to be ten lines for a contest.
-
-
Deep and Dark. Suicide note?? this poem is brilliant in it's use of illness to describe the progression of life to death, how the youthfull gaze changes as one grows older, well that's my take on it.
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
