I have no eyes to see
No ears to hear
No mouth to speak
Nor tongue to taste
And yet a smile that makes blood run cold
A voice that causes goosebumps
A face that brings the live to death
No one can see me
Only feel my presence
Fear my name
And yet through it all
One bright eyed little girl
glimpsing into the supernatural
sees my face...
The biggest smile i've ever seen
In all my millions of years
spread across the toddlers face
and for a second
i smile...
Not out of maliciousness
or coldness
or anger
But of happiness
for no look of fear is thrown upon me
and for a brief moment
i wish...
just a tiny bit...
that the little girl wasn't my next target....
I take her by the hand
and lead her away from the scene
her cold unmoving body cradled in her mothers arms
and walk with her into oblivion...
A contest entry
- Prompt me! ~*~DARK~*~ by Night Terrors.
550 points, ended May 16, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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A very nice take on the prompt you really humanized death with this.
The Positives:
Great poem so sad, and yet somehow uplifting at the same time. That is so very hard to pull off, but you really nailed it.
Room For Improvement:
I is a proper noun it needs to be capitalized no matter what. Think of it as a substitution for your name.
My Favorite Part:
just a tiny bit...
that the little girl wasn't my next target....
I take her by the hand
and lead her away from the scene
her cold unmoving body cradled in her mothers arms
and walk with her into oblivion...
The ending made me so sad
Overall:
Imagery: 23/25
Style: 14/25
Unique : 23/25
Sound: 19/25
Take on prompt: 20/25
I give this a 99/125 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.
~*~Apathetic Poison~*~
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I like it. Very nice. But I think maybe you should take out the last stanza. It seems like that's just adding unnecessary words. Could be finished with "that the little girl wasn't my next target." That leaves a larger imprint on the reader, I think. A more BAM, lasting impression, instead of fading off.
However, that's just my opinion. lol
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Thank you so much for the comment; but i think i'll keep it. I wanted to show tender physical interaction between the two for some reason or another. >.<
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This is such a cool write. Lots of emotions and I could picture it all in my mind. I hope you do well in the contest. This is wonderful!
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I loved that. It was from the reapers point of view. We all do things in life that we dont want to do and yet he had to do things in death that he didnt want to do. I love the last word, oblivion, thats my all time favorite word. Awesome poem!!! I HOPE U WIN!!
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okay your prompt is:
Death smiles at us all, but all a man can do is smile back.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
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