in shafts of light
cast like cold steel
by the afternoon sun
we sit over coffee
discussing exclusion
and whether the moon’s false light
could ever be enough
here, it becomes difficult
he does not hear me
unless I speak the language
of stalled engines and corroded valves
rust-eaten muffler, I say
his jaw falls off
and curls up around the edges
Author notes
inspired in large part by this eerie photo taken by Mana Mayhem for her contest:
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a221/darkXvelvet/Mana25.jpg
A contest entry
- Mischievious Ghosts. by Mana MAYHEM.
650 points, ended May 23, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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You are amazing and I am jealous.
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Superb indeed for it speaks of how we must find that common bridge that opens the channels of communications, it would appear that the sexes are doomed lest we talk of that which is mundane and yet held so high in regard by those we take for less than brilliant.
I like it, I like it so!
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cold steel ... a bit common
the moon's - you don't need the
ever near enough
i absolutely like the part after "difficult"
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the common, mundane - passive then?
Not much to be done (of course).
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it's a bit unclear to me if by cold steel (a bit cliche) and sunset you try to describe a dissonance, a paradox, or fission
if i were to speak about a drawing i'd call that a trembled line
exactly the opposite of the modulation that gives the force of expression -
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Weak because it is confusing instead of clarifying? It creates nothing new, but blurs & distorts what is understood? It's only meant to evoke a certain coldness in the sunlight.
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yes i understand that
cold steel (blue) seemingly incandescent
but it is unclear
at least to me
or who knows maybe cold steel sounds so over used to me I automatically reject the whole strophe (cold steel rail anyone?) -
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Rejection noted. Overused phrases aside, I don't mind it. I don't listen to Pink Floyd often enough for it to bother me.
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however i'm not subjective with "the moon's"
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Okay. Yes, I like ever. It's unneccesarily romantic.
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you're absolutely right
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I love how you set the mood with imagery to start, and then twist into the interactions between you and him...like those moments when we humour another even though we're really not that interested, or share the same enthusiasm. Enjoyed
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Loved it! The jaw falling off like a rusty muffler is perfect. Like a good movie when they have a final twist. (which is rare). Nice to see a new post from you missy!
H
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The sudden changes are really good. Really different. The image of a jawbone on the ground is remarkable. I picture it among autumn leaves, also curling up around the edges. Is there metal, such as a filling, in the jaw?
I thought about "to the ground" in place of "off", because I wanted to draw the trajectoty sun, moon ground, but its not quite right.
"Muffler" was a word my grandmother used for a warm winter scarf. She would encourage us children to "muffle up" before we went out into the fog towards the bus stop.
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The jaw image was meant to reflect the rusted muffler. Where I live, mufflers litter the highway because they rust right off. So, the jaw being his means of communication has rusted off. Or so I intended. I tried 'to the ground' & changed it as well. I had not considered the scarf/muffler connection. Those are popular in New England as well.
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wow, this is different. I love the feeling of it being unfinished.
I can't wait to read the rest.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
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This poem starts off with hard-hitting lines, well-placed. Although the ending is somewhat of a shocking image, the placing was sudden and left a feeling of inconclusiveness. Was that intentional? It's as if this is only part one. Perhaps it is the use of "begins." Overall a good piece, and interesting for one to ponder the meaning.
-Everyones Dead/The Poetic Nexus Poets -
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My thoughts on the subject matter are inconclusive, so it cannot be avoided, in my mind anyhow. You are correct. And thank you. Love your collaborative efforts btw, will read more.
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