NOTE: Tell me if this is confusing or not, the poem can be read in many different
ways, the "" being one poem and the other being another poem. But can be read together
anyways. So its your choice. Hope you like and I hope this isn't confusing.
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"Leaving a makeshift poem inside the gutter I have lost my way with
pen and ink."
.
A roach flew in my ear last night;
disillusioned by the music surrounding airless walls.
You can take one deep breath if you want, just to clean the
dirty dishes in the sink. Wash them off so they can't hide
behind their disguise as dish soap anymore.
"So there is this movement around me that says sometimes I have
too much, but terror comes in many forms and dancing isn't one of
them."
..
Ah! The reflection of hitting pavement feels like
the cobblestone underneath the feet when its found love at
its highest degree. Broken in half by the stained logic of a
salesman who wants summer in a tin cup.
"Oh sure, the seasons die with everything else, and our mouths do
speak in tongues worse than the dying; but fall likes to wear the latest
fashions. So nothing is pointless and truly being not what it seems; like
cigarettes laying on a floor, smearing its own life."
...
Something about this doesn't lend itself care to objects
marked fragile, the specimen said under a jar of music.
I almost didn't hear him, voices being hollowed by cob-webbed
secrets coming from this specimen's spiky hair and shiny
man glitter.
"Even tasting the cement one last time while kissing the shoulder of
some puppet even though the smell of sweat is unbearable. But there
is something so sexy about a dirty alleyway. How many people can say
they have been dirty tonight?"
....
You could eat this all up in some corny fashion that
outweighs the largest pizza commercial, even when
your delivery boy grabs and holds you there demanding
your lunch money. With this kind of movement you can turn
any thing into quicksilver halos invisible by moonlighted concerts.
"Thus walking on the clouds they descend fourth into the madness of some
frothing beast unburdened by the weight of paper. Nothing will stop it, and
it doesn't even scare us."
.....
So in the pits of this city if you feel this kind of pulsing glue;
sticky from being heard by the dozens of little graffiti babies
on these walls; remember this could melt away any harsh ideas
of society by the memories made anew. This is the way some
people live their lives to the fullest never regretting.
"Not one little bit."
Author notes
Prompt: Slam Dancing
Hope You enjoyed!!
A contest entry
- black measles by najji.
1800 points, ended May 17, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I like how you've utilised the prompt. The way you begin with inspiration leaving your pen, an unfinished poem. How you deluge the reader with various images, each one distinct, and yet seamless with your poem. Kind of like you're trying to find inspiration...which happens to all of us from time to time.
Enjoyed
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I thought it was appropriate for the prompt, actually. Interesting prose. I like the way you've sort of spliced two pieces together, and the way you've used dialogue to separate one part from the other. It's quite a creative structure.
I really liked some of the images you used, but to be honest, there were some in there that I felt detracted from the rest of the piece, as they weren't as obscure or as strangely beautuful. For example, I loved this part:
"A roach flew in my ear last night;
disillusioned by the music surrounding airless walls."
But I didn't like this:
"You could eat this all up in some corny fashion that
outweighs the largest pizza commercial"
Although that could just be my personal taste.
I did enjoy reading this, thanks for sharing
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Aw thank you for the comment, yeah I could see what you meant about the pizza commercial thing after giving it second thought or a second look over.
Appreciate the feedback most people are afraid to give opinions on here,
so thank ya.
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There's so much here I dont know where to start. It reminds me of Jack Kerowac--Stream off cociousness. There are definatly two(at least) things going on here."Even tasting the cement one last time while kissing the shoulder of
some puppet even though the smell of sweat is unbearable. But there
is something so sexy about a dirty alleyway. How many people can say
they have been dirty tonight?" This makes me think of a guy who did a terminal header out of his lonely fourth floor window above the YMCA here about four yeas ago. It was certainly a big deal for him but the town crew hosed the blood off before 6am and unless you knew him or were there it was yesterdays news before tomorrow ever happened. I'll be happy to continue to follow this one although my only constructive criticism is that it seems to end to early.
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they do actually fit together. i'm not good at leaving good comments, but this was very good. [:
when i first looked at it, i didn't like it. (before all of this came about)
but now i really like this. it's very unique.
'shiny
man glitter.'
makes me laugh.
lovely job!
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Haha thank ya!! I was hoping it wasn't too confusing though.
So thanks for the comment.
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Well, I liked the juxtaposition of the two alternating strands, since they seemed to bounce off each other's images. Throughout, there is the ambience of cement, sidewalk, alley, and the littering: of the walls with graffiti, the ground with cigarette butts, and the air with music -- a factual carelessness about "dirty" -- dishes, bugs, people. The metaphor of dancing, with "fear" and "regret" as ways in which people live their lives, or don't ("not one little bit") is also powerful. Confusing, yes, but I think purposefully, to make sure readers examine the content more closely, to work at deriving meaning for themselves. A fine and interesting write! Lita
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OH MY GOSH!!! I SO LOVE YOU!!! You are such a sweetheart and
I love how you get all my writes (because nobody else does LOL.)
But seriously the last part of your comment like why this is so
confusing, I was thinking the exact same thing, with the making
sure readers examine the content more closely.
That is so true.
Love ya auntie, thanks for stopping by and commenting. I didn't
think anyone was going to read this.
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slam dancing - a kind of dancing to punk rock, grunge, etc in which the dancers hurl themselves at each other.
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