you were not everything.
no, there was more to me than the glaze you plated into my crevices; cementing me into fiction and forgetting my name with the first few sips of drinks too strong for young lips.
my knees are to my chest and i'm chasing away faulty emotions with cheap cigarettes and irish coffee. i'm blaming God for everything that's really my fault and i've never breathed so shallowly.
iamguiltyiamguiltyiamguilty.
i tap my cigarette and ashes start to fall. i wonder if hell is like the end of a cheap joint;
burning into nothing and devouring the stale night air-
and no one remembers your ashes.
i throw my cup against the shivering walls and i cannot bear the stench of who i am anymore.
--
a few days earlier. a few weeks, a few months. i lost track.
we are violating every rule we can all at once.
our limbs are branches of the same tree, growing and tangling within eachother.
you became everything to me the second i felt your breath on my ribs;
the heat swirled beneath your lips and you were so damn beautiful.
you shook in my arms and i held you the way the sky holds the sun; and together, we were no longer cold half-moons or wrong chords. together, our notes fit perfectly, drawing an e minor out of us and resounding through the skulls of everyone who always said we wouldn't find our souls.
we were never really broken,
just lost.
--
we were never the type to love in fractions.
you're sitting next to me and i don't think you realize it, but we both breathe on the count of eleven; though sometimes, i wait too long for you to inhale and you start to fade away. it does not matter,
i will wait for you.
--
what if i could hold my breath a little bit longer,
would you fade away with me?
--
we are melanoma today,
ruining eachother's skin and falling deep.
we are breaking shapes of the night and shoving star-falls into eachother's throats. there are ghosts within our voices, haunting and pulling and intoxicating the fragile words we're outnumbering our hearts with. we are cracking eachother's ribs open and scratching our midnight veins raw.
we are the acid bones;
burning a little too closely and
i know i said it,
but i do not want you to leave.
--
you did anyways.
and i lie awake tonight wondering why it was that we began;
because i was not ready to be finished.
Author notes
prompt:
irish coffee.
In a list
A contest entry
- black measles by najji.
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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it does not matter,
i will wait for you.
-it's not uniquely poetic or anything but I love love love it. It is in the context it's in and the way you say it. Your voice is so strong here. I don't know its just gorgeaous
i love 'star falls' had to reiterate how good this is too. -
"i wonder if hell is like the end of a cheap joint;
burning into nothing and devouring the stale night air-
and no one remembers your ashes."
fuck yeah.
art
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"you're sitting next to me and i don't think you realize it, but we both breathe on the count of eleven; though sometimes, i wait too long for you to inhale and you start to fade away. it does not matter,
i will wait for you."
Absoultly stunning. This whole thing was amazing, but this part is my favorite.
wonderful imagery -
Thanks so much for entering.
[if you end up in the finals I will comment better]
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it had me hooked !!!!!!!
happy birthday
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you are quite amazing, my dear.
you and your profound imagery give me shivers up the ying yang.
"we are melanoma today,
ruining eachother's skin and falling deep."
magic.
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-we are the acid bones; burning a little too closely and
i know i said it, but i do not want you to leave.- That is amazing.
This whole piece is so raw and emotional and astounding. Oh my. (:
Can't believe I haven't found it sooner.
Thank you so much for entering.
Best of luck!
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we are breaking shapes of the night and shoving star-falls into eachother's throats. there are ghosts within our voices, haunting and pulling and intoxicating the fragile words we're outnumbering our hearts with. we are cracking eachother's ribs open and scratching our midnight veins raw.
oh my oh my oh my!
That's so raw and gorgaous.. damn! -
Wow, this was very long! I loved your use of similes and metaphors! Brilliant display of emotion as well!
Thank you for entering and good luck!
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So I started the night by stumbling upon some poetry by 'our swiftest speed.' I was highly impressed, and visited some of his favorites. I must say that without a doubt, I have found the most extraordinary writers through him tonight; new faith has been breathed into this site for me. I started on this site when I was thirteen years old, and am twenty now. I can honestly say that 'our swiftest speed,' and now yourself, well... you are two of the most gifted teenagers I have come across yet.
The emotion and sentence structure you sport here is absolutely phenomenal. You have a command over how to generate emotions well, and I am marvelling at your skill. Just brilliant, you are.
J
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thank you so much!
it means alot, truly.
<3
our swiftest speed is brilllliiiannttttt.
thank you sooo much. :]
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dis is gud becus he is nbot everyhting && u just rote it so greatly
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LoL
he iz fikchununal dummee
n ya i lyk it
u r cool
letz b frends
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i really like this.
you have gorgeous descriptions throughout. some beautiful metaphors and similies and just:
our limbs are branches of the same tree, growing and tangling within eachother.
wow. i love that. and the ending is so good.
excellent write
ElectricBloom
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thank you so much!
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Your words are too captivating to be too long.
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thank you! :]
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TOO LONG. I am going to review this when I have more time. I do thank you for the entry. You and one other person wrote very long poems so I will definitely get back when i am done reviewing everything. Thank you once again and see ya soon
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"you're sitting next to me and i don't think you realize it, but we both breathe on the count of eleven; though sometimes, i wait too long for you to inhale and you start to fade away. "
i love that. a lot. or ... more than a lot.
that's my favorite part. there are a lot of amazing parts in this poem honestly.
one of my favorites by you, ever. -
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thank you. <3
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here i am!!!
'no, there was more to me'
get rid of 'no'
'hell is like the end of one'
personally, i'd like it better with some slang/metaphor name for cigarette instead of 'one' but that's just me.
'shivering walls and i cannot'
try 'because' instead of 'and.'
'i wished i was held for years'
that's a bit confusing. try to rephrase.
'everyone who always said'
you could get rid of 'always'
'it does not matter'
kind of stiff. try using a contraction. (doesn't)
'what if i could hold my breath'
get rid of 'what.' you don't need it and the line sounds better without it.
'haunting and shoving'
use a synonym for 'shoving.' you said it in the last scentence.
'we're outnumbering our hearts with'
that sounds funny to me. try: that are outnumbering our hearts.
'do not want you to leave.'
i think a contraction here (don't) would make the line flow better.
'you did anyways.'
anyway. no 's.'
'and i lay awake...why it was that we begun'
lie & began. (they lay i lie) that's how i remember it.
'because i was not ready to be finished.'
this sounds funny, but i don't think a contraction would sound right. what about 'i was never...'
otherwise, fantabulous write. beautiful imagery and powerful emotion. i love the title and wording, i re-read the poem you wrote for my favorites contest & you've improved so much. it just happened very slowly & subtly.
wow, this was a long comment even by my standards. XD
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pretty sure i loved this piece; i mean holy shit girl!
to be able to take a simple prompt like irish coffee and take the piece to what it became you just blew me away. i cant wait to read more of your work. darling you are the epitome of talent.
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thank you. :]
<3
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So. Fucking. Amazing.
I loved how you write the words eachother together. Just feels so ... warm.
'we were no longer cold half-moons or wrong chords'
Wowwowwow!
Absolutely stunning.
Oh, & just a suggestion, but the spacing over here-
'we are the acid bones;
burning a little too closely and
i know i said it,
but i do not want you to leave.'
might work better if the first two lines and last two lines were together, instead of the 2nd and 3rd being together. Or maybe not. I'm just saying =P
You are gifted, I say.
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yeah, i've always written it "eachother" because I think it brings a certain..closeness to whoever i'm talking about. :]
thank you so much!
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I love the Hell allusion, omgomgomg!!! Wow! Amazing!
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irish coffee - brewed coffee containing irish whiskey and topped with cream or whipped cream.
(p.s. i'm expecting great things from you! XD) -
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haha, of course i know what irish coffee is.
I'm like 60 percent irish, after all. :]
pfft.
you'll probably be dissapointed then. xDD -
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i don't think i will be. [: <3
you're amazing! -
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hah, not lately. xP
hearing that from someone like you is an awesome compliment though.
you my dear, define 'amazing'. -
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yes you are! you're amazing even when...you're....sleeping!
o.o..
awh, you make me feel all uncomfortable and fuzzy! -
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xD
not really. i look like a dead baby bird or something else that should've been beautiful but isn't quite there.
i've seen pictures.
haha.
aww, you're welcome. it's scary entering a contest where the judge is like amazinggg. D; -
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if you looked like a dead baby bird then you'd have a grey beak and a naked body.
i'm looking at your picture and a.) you're not naked and b.) you do not have a grey beak.
you're very pretty. [:
-flails- i'm not that awesome. XD -
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birds have feathers.
that's like clothes. kinda.
aww, thank you. :]
you areeee!
i started this. but i don't think i like where it's going.
D; -
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hum. when i hear irish coffee i think of a rainy day inside of a snuggly coffee shop.
but that's just me. does that help any? -
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i think this is done. xP
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i wouldn't know how to make that emotional and deeep thoughhh.
D;
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