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Our fatal error

My breaths leave
                        Vapour trails
Dancing across the sky
Formulating brickery
                              Steel rails
Creating a bridge between
The Mother and I...

Mind grails, thought royalty
Regress into hypnotic states,
Leaving humanity and its disloyalty
In the atrocities it creates.
The Human condition is to
Want for that which it hates
In the words of Lady Antoinette,
"Let them eat cake"
For in the morn all beset
The peace into which they wake,
Let them conflict and regret
From within until they break
Don't constrain from them
The denial of being great,
Let only their own appetite
consume them within hours
One day they will know we are Right,
For, they'll wish for minds like ours
Vapid,
          Lucid,
                  Placid
Souls without acid,
And once more we shall dance
In the romance of the flowers.

Author notes

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."-Mahatma Ghandi

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • AutumnsFlame
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    Hey, since you commented my poem I decided to return the favor! I must say, this has some imagery that is absolutely excellent! This actually flowed so well that I didn't even notice the rhyme until after I read the poem. The beginning lines were beautiful, but my favorite part is the ending. I also really liked these lines:

    "Let only their own appetite
    consume them within hours
    One day they will know we are Right,
    For, they'll wish for minds like ours"

    I think you got the point of the quote across too, in a very poetic style. My only suggestion (that you don't have to take if you don't want to) would be to separate the large paragraph in the center to several smaller stanzas... it might be a bit easier on the eyes and easier to read. As a whole, good work on this, and best of luck in the contest you entered!


  • Rogue-Poet
    May 25

    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    This is an amazing piece my friend. From the first line I was sucked in. I especially like the lines:

    For in the morn all beset
    The peace into which they wake,
    Let them conflict and regret
    From within until they break

    Perfection in words.


  • checkmate
    May 13

    Edit | Reply
    beautifully written. a lot of meaning in this and i simply love your quote. and the authors' notes. we all forget that sometimes, don't we?

    excellent.