As morning song birds start to call,
As eyelids yet refuse to fall,
Do hours pass without reply -
When 72 becomes a lie.
With buzzing tide amid the throng,
Of open-ended whimsy-song,
And bitter twists of nothing seen,
A cold caress of 'never-been'.
Handprints dull upon the floor,
Through mirror-ridden visions bore,
Grass-stained neck a-twinged with shame
Tick and tock - and leave again.
Tangle in a weaved abyss,
All mingle-shemped the morning miss,
Covered up, insipid blue
With fraying edges left askew.
Whisper off a speck of night,
Mourning succour soured outright,
Suck and purge and disconcert,
Leave the numbers to invert.
Softly, softly! Right to know,
How you let the pulse-rate go,
How hours pass without reply
And 72 remains a lie
In a list
a waiting game
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This is a beautiful and emotional write. You have real talent, good luck on future writes.
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Beautiful xx
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sophisticated
This is a mature and sophisticated poem, full of mystery and intrigue in its quick use of dark and disparate images.
When I first read it, i thought it was about loss and grief and confusion. The 72 made me think of a grandfather and of his life and struggle and death.
I read the poem 3 more times and then wasn't quite sure about my original perception. I'm not sure what is gong on, but the atmosphere is grim and darkand frightening.
Anyway I like the rhyme and meter in this tightly crafted poem. The stanzas are neat and have good shapes. I don't think you need punctaution at the end of every line. This was fashionable many years ago, but poetry doesn't need all that much punctuation any more, as the end of the lines can be used as commas and the end of a stanza can be used as an end of a sentence. Some poems don't use any punctuation at all.
Impressive work,
myron.
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Personal
I know that this is personal to you and therefore without the prompts difficult to understand yet it has a great flow and balance. Beautiful.
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thankyou very much for your kind words
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Wow. I am stunned by how powerful the words in this poem are! It just took my breath away, I'm not even kidding.
I love your use of rhyme. Normally I avoid rhyming poems because so few writers actually can use it well. But you definitely knew what you were doing.
My favorite lines were:
Grass-stained neck a-twinged with shame
Tick and tock - and leave again.
I had to read this a few times over to really grasp what the poem was saying. There's just so much imagery, it's almost difficult to take it all in.
May I borrow your writing skills? Seriously, such a beautiful write. I don't have any corrections for you.
Great write!
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wow ty very much for such a good comment - really means a lot
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very nice,i like the last line "and 72 remains a lie"
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Do hours pass without reply -
When 72 becomes a lie.
my favorite lines. -
It is psychological It was hard to relate. But however, I liked the flow (the rhyming was excellent)
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thankyou very much - I can imagine it is hard to follow but glad the overall flow worked
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Hm it is evident from the poem, that the person is going through a lot of different emotions, but I felt like parts of it was a little too overloaded. Perhaps this is just a matter of style, but I felt like the second stanza particularly had so much going on that it made it difficult for the reader to get a proper image of what thought/emotion was being conveyed. This is just my take on it.
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thankyou for reading. The point of the poem was somewhat the idea of a 'stream of conciousness'. The idea of the rhyme was to tie it all in so it had some sort of coherance. I suspect that its the fact that the ideas are very personal that makes it hard to understand - the meaning of them is not obvious.
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deep
the poem was deep. I wish I could help with some constructive criticism but you are a much better poet than me. Thus, you are an excellent poet, and this poem was amazing.
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aw ty very much
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