I know I owe it to you to be strong,
after all that happened before today.
But I can't tell you these things when you're here,
I can't speak when you take my breath away.
There are very many things I could tell,
there is so much, I fear, your mind would stray.
I know I have been waiting forever,
just to say what's in my heart, buried deep.
Can't I be afraid as I reveal all?
I'm taking miles in a single leap.
But fear fades as your love gives me strong wings,
I'll fly as long as your heart I may keep.
Let's run far away, act on what we feel.
It's not a dream if we know it's real.
Lean over and whisper into my ear,
speak those three special words I need to hear.
Squeezing me, clutching me so close to you,
but still letting me hold on to you, too.
Counting the brightest stars in the black sky,
sighing, as the time just flashes on by,
when we're laughing and loving and feeling.
How can I ever say those words to you,
that will describe our love perfectly right?
The only way I can prove this to you,
is without our speech and without our sight.
It is all in this feeling that we share,
that will make us burn forever so bright.
Let's run far away, act on what we feel.
It's not a dream, if we know it's real.
Hold me like you'll never, ever, release,
and kiss me hard until I beg for peace.
Before morning comes I'll give you my heart,
and that way, we'll never once be apart.
Promise me that you'll never let this end,
and that we won't ever have to pretend,
that this feeling was just a fleeting dream.
A contest entry
- Prewrite contest by Sadistic klown girl.
1000 points, ended June 2, 155 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Preretites Prewrites! by pain is love..
560 points, ended June 13, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
May 9th revised meter.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Wow this is amazing
I loved the lines
How can I ever say those words to you,
that will describe our love perfectly right?
The only way I can prove this to you,
is without our speech and without our sight.
It is all in this feeling that we share,
that will make us burn forever so bright.
Thank you for your entry!
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"
How can I ever say those words to you,
that will describe our love perfectly right?
The only way I can prove this to you,
is without our speech and without our sight.
It is all in this feeling that we share,
that will make us burn forever so bright.
Let's run far away, act on what we feel.
It's not a dream, if we know it's real.
Hold me like you'll never, ever, release,
and kiss me hard until I beg for peace.
Before morning comes I'll give you my heart,
and that way, we'll never once be apart.
Promise me that you'll never let this end,
and that we won't ever have to pretend,
that this feeling was just a fleeting dream."
I know this feeling well. You did a good job describing it. There is so much love within this piece. Thank you for sharing. -
hmmm.. makes ya think.
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Love It
This is a beautiful love poem. The rhyme scheme is really good. You used punctuation very well and its organised. Good job.
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I love it
tabbycat//below has some good advise about revision,,,some I should really pay attention to myself,,, but the idea and the HALLMARK type expession of it is really enjoyable to me,,,, thanks for another good read,,, -
I feel like you've got potential here to make this a very good poem, but you really need to trim the fat. Go through and check your meter...get rid of repetitive lines...sometimes after I write a poem, I'll delete entire stanzas because I realize that they didn't add anything to my message. Basically, make this more concise. There were a couple places the rhyme sounded awkward...the last stanza in particular...the line with "whoah" just sounded too childish and cutesy to fit the rest of the poem. Good luck!
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It's all metered into 10 syllable lines now and I took out a stanza and fixed that pesky last stanza. Thank you for your help earlier, I would appreciate your feedback on the revised piece.
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You said you wanted a critique, so I will say that this needs a major trim to be truly good poetry. You have strong emotion and some nice sentiments, and you can make this really good. Try to count out your line syllables and cut out unnecessary words to tighten the meter. Also, "and kiss me until I have to say, "Whoa!" "
Completely ruined the genuine and romantic tone you had up until that point. Keep on penning, just trying to be honest and help you as a writer.
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I trimmed the poem up and settled it into some 10 syllable lines if you would like to read the new revision. I also fixed the last stanza as well and completely deleted another. I would appreciate your comment.
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Thank you so much! Now THAT'S the kind of comment I'm talking about!
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Send me a link after the trim if you want me to have another look.
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This is so wonderfuly crafted
I love the line, if a picture is worth a thousand words
Then yours is worth so much more
This is wonderfully well written, a real joy to this word junkies senses
Thanks
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