You buried secrets into my lips
while I massaged demons into yours.
We fucked out of necessity,
instinctively drawn to pain.
The I-love-you's spoken
were hollow and forced.
Many questions left unsought;
answers you never
wanted me to know.
I dug under your skin
groping for truths,
finding it hurts to know
I am merely worth nothing.
Every word you ever said
was tangled in deceit
and my heart's still conned
as it tells me:
I miss who you used to be.
A contest entry
- Letting Go Feels Good. by Poetryintheblood.
700 points, ended May 20, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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great write. I could go on and on- but it seems like everyone already has said what I think about this poem!!
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Yes! This is really amazing.. Speechless in a good way. Bravo!
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I'll spell it the way I say it, day-um [damn] so raw and bitter. this oozes pain.. I could say killer last line, but this whole thing is killer.
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hah a title of a song from my favorite band. :]
but i see im not the first to bring that up.
"
I miss who you used to be."
I love this ending.
excellent write, amazing choice of words. -
senses failll lol i dunno if you know but buried a lie is a senses fail song anyway you did a great job with this and i can really relate to this. your words caught my interest right off the bat and you basically told my story. good luck in the contest.!
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never heard the song i will have to look it up now lol
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88
Title: 9/10
Originality: 8/10
Emotion: 9/10
Grammar/Spelling: 9/10
Flow/Structure: 8/10
Imagery: 8/10
Overall Use of Poetic Devices: 9/10
Judge's Reaction: 9/10
Rules Followed: 10/10
Overall Opinion: 9/10
Totaling: 88/100
Wow, this was really good. I was instanly draw in. I like that you made a cliche poem into your own painful story. What a bitch ! That's what s(he) sounds like. I really liked your word choice and your imagery was outstanding. The last line was intense. So many people can relate to that line alone. Great job and good luck in the contest.
josh
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Thank you for your entry, good luck in my contest, Josie
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matt, you have done it again, very strong filled emotions here, such hurt and pain, but missing the 'used' feelings.
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eh bro that sucks.
she sounds like a cunt. noo im jk dont get mad! -
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no need to be sorry.
she is.
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the last stanza is my favorite. excellent.
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oh... love the title, too.. a little play on buried alive... a definite 10/10 in my book.
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obviously, you know i like what you did with this.
the first stanza almost made me hot and cold... the talk of lips from yours... just something about that, but then the necessity aspect of fucking, that was a little chilling... ok, now that i am saying that i'm getting warmed up to that idea... jk
it was definitely a strong first stanza that makes you long to see what is next.
the second stanza... the hollow i love you's i have heard before, but never spoke them myself, so i can relate to that in a one-sided way. the questions were not just unasked, they were unsought... like there was nothing you even cared to learn about, even if she didn't want you to know them. that was a definite cold burst of air, an awakening into how people just don't care about really learning about the other, but only self-satisfaction. a 'say anything to get what i want' attitude, yet you say it like it isn't really how you wanted it... it was just how it was, retrospectively.
third... groping. you know how i feel about this stanza already... just something about that word says it all.. like searching in the dark for that light switch, and when it's found and you flip it on, seeing things in a truer light, but one that hurts your eyes and you need a little time to adjust to and accept.
then the 4th is the acceptance when the reality sets in... that she was deceiving you, but ironically, it also shows how you still deceive yourself into thinking you miss her... saying you dont with your lips, but still wondering if you do with your heart. (or maybe other anatomical parts)
the last line, i personally liked split into two.
i miss...
how she used to be.
it gives that pause enough to wonder... what does he miss???? and then the last line of 'how she used to be' is more of a punch... at least to me, but i am one lone opinion.
i dont even know how i can comment after we talked about it already in plenty of detail, but you know me... always looking at other insights into words that seem to draw me over and over...
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Thanks for entering!
Title: 8/10
Originality: 9/10
Emotion: 9/10
Grammar/Spelling: 8/10
Flow/Structure: 8/10
Imagery: 8/10
Overall Use of Poetic Devices: 7/10
My Reaction: 9/10
Rules Followed: 10/10
My Overall Opinion: 8/10
Total: 84/100
This was a very well-written poem. Generally I'm not a huge fan of non-rhyme, but this really held me. You have a great grasp of punctuation and grammar; well done!
"I miss who you used to be" would probably work just as well as one line
Overall, a truly enjoyable write. Thankyou so much for entering, and I wish you the best of luck!
Maria
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rhyme? lol this isn't a rhyme poem at all. the last line rhymes but it wasn't really on purpose. this is 100% freeverse
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Heh, it was supposed to say non-rhyme... I left this comment at like 2am lol
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ahh okay lol-
oh and for the record i was going to just leave the last line as "i miss who you used to be" in one line... but i wanted emphasis on "used to be" and thought that breaking it up there would be the best way to articulate that thought. thank you for your feedback
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"I dug under your skin, groping for truths..." (whew!)
and that last line....well, you are on your way, baby..
A+ and I'm giving YOU an apple
love, lane
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Yea, human nature at it's best and worst, you have captured it all splendidly...
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You can express yourself well, and this is definitely something that I myself can relate with.
J -
Powerful!
...for here you have a powerhouse poem of painful emotions, with some great lines such as
''You buried secrets into my lips
while I massaged demons into yours.
We fucked out of necessity,
instinctively drawn to pain.''
and...
''I dug under your skin
groping for truths,''
Great write indeed and thanks for sharing here.
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Wow. this is chilling. very well done sir. I will come back for more.
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This was great!!!!!, i've been in relationships were I find myself saying the same..."I miss who you used to be" The emotions you displayed in this were just mmmm amazing!!! You definatly did a good job turning heartache into something great.
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oh my... this is... Phenomenal. i've found you leave me speechless more often than not, which i am almost greatful for. This is just... heartbreaking. Maybe i'm having such a hard time finding the proper words to explain my reaction because it hits closer to home than i would like to admit, but either way, please forgive my faltering praise, for it is lacking, and nothing compared to what you deserve, but this may be the most moved i've been in a long time, and Truly, this is one of the most beautiful, amazing pieces i've ever read.
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this was a bit of an emotional purge.. i was unsure anyone would like this one. so, to hear that puts a smile on my face. thank you
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"We fucked out of necessity,
instinctively drawn to pain.
The I-love-you's spoken
were hollow and forced. "
Story of my life. This is a very nice write you have here, my friend. Says so much in more of an abtract way. It is intense and I can feel the feelings. I really enjoyed this.
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good to know the emotion is still articulated even though the words are not so direct. thank you for the comment.
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I'm a fan of killer last lines..and you always deliver splendidly. Another fantastic one here.
you buried secrets into my lips...
Great use of words only the idea behind it breaks my heart.
You're extra effort into this one paid off.
You went for the jugular and accomplished pain.
S.
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I dug under your skin
groping for truths,
finding it hurts to know
I'm really worth nothing.
This stanza really jumped out at me more than any of the others. I really felt that there was a double meaning or at the very least insinuation. I found this dark and mysterious but also rather numbing. Fantastic write.
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WOW!
This is pitch perfect in describing my most horrific relationship ever and I totally understand this. There is much emotion hidden here, laying dormant....
Awesome write. Hope you do well in the contest. Thanks so much for sharing.
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