What justice is left, what is all real?
To live and let go, to live and just feel
Lethal injections infecting my blood
As easy as dirt, but thicker than mud
When adding solution you put on that mask
Set up your gear, begin your new task
A potion to make, seeding a fire
Flames tend to get exceedingly higher
A climax is reached, jumping for joy
To strap down and feed, an innocent boy
You get so much pleasure, from seeing the pain
Bulging-to-burst, once tiny cracked veins
Another one's heart, at your expense
You take a close peak, through an awful black lens
A heart doesn't beat within the boys chest
For now he can go, to lay down and rest
You are upset as if it's his fault
Such abuse taken, it's extreme assault
You infect all others, with cowardly lies
You're what I most hate, you're my demise
A contest entry
- how much hell have you been through by Ami.
550 points, ended May 12, 71 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Kathraina.
650 points, ended August 15, 458 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I'm unsure with the meaning, but i like it all the same. Great write
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The meaning is in a more complex situation...I took the scene of scientist which also plays a roll as the person, using someone else for experiments to only torment and hurt someone else...
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see, that's what I was thinking, but i wasn't sure I was thinking maybe it was a giant metaphor.
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yep =] That is exactly what it is hahaha
A
GIANT METAPHOR
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Ouch, the words here are biting and leave me with a haunted feeling.
Great job with this piece, the rhyme is flawfless.
Bravo
♥ Kate -
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Thank you so much
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hey there! I can see what all the fuss is about with your writing...you are really good! I liked this piece very much...I will have to have a look around and read some more of your stuff soon...have a great evening...peace and light always in all ways,,,kendal
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lOl wow. Thank you very much.
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It's pretty awesome bro(: I like Laura's corrections towards it; it makes it have a better sound.
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Awe - thank you very much
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Hi Damien
This is good...but I have suggestions (oh shush
)
1. This is quite the strong voice and I believe it'd be stronger with proper punctuation instead of the capital letters and dashes...for example:
"You get such pleasure from seeing the pain,
through bulging-to-burst, once tiny cracked veins"
2. You'll also notice the edit I did...I think this would read better if it had a consistent syllable count per line & 10 or 11 seems to fit quite melodically here.
3. Spelling mistakes/typos:
L1 requires a question mark at the end.
L13 "one's"
L20 "you're my despise"
4. "despise" is quite the definite emotion, but I feel it to be a little lame as an ending. It's like you stretched for the rhyme there and feels rather forced. The word "demise" would fit there with a stronger feed to back it up, as would plenty of other word choices. So yeah, last line would have more inpact if you edit it
Ok, I'm done Like I said - this is good, that's why I made suggestions
Good luck in the contest you've entered.
Laura
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OK.
So tell me how it looks now, and thank you very much because this helped me a lot. I can write poetry I think, it is just I am not informed as much as others may be...and I appreciate more than anything that you would do this for me to help.
I think it is perfect now with the adjustments and I thank you SOOOOOO MUCH!!!
-Damien -
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L8 requires no comma & the typo's still there in L20 "you're" = "you are".
It's better now it's seen an edit, but i still think a consistent syllable count would even out the flow somewhat. Read it out loud...you'll understand what i mean then
All poetry has room for improvement, even if it seems finished at first...it's the best part of the poetic journey - knowing there's always something to learn and something to improve on
Enjoy!
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woh... this is sad. but an amazing write.
I love the form and the rhyme within the form.
great write. -
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Thank you very much. If you do tend to take a look at most of my writes, they are all about real life experiences. I think that is what makes the best poetry. I am going to view some of your work as well. Thank you very much again for your wonderful comment and if there is anything that might help let me know
-Damien
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