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Hind-sight



We spent many years
waiting for your dawn,
watching as your half-love
ruined her shape
and wounded what was left
of your sincerity.

Like the birds and the green
you ran with the need of fire
towards something fiercer.
Taking all her colors
and planting them in me,
(with your seed.)

Finding a palace in new fields
you waited for my callouses
to heat. Begging me to skim
impurities as they surfaced,
but I too needed formed
as though we'd been planted together;

All along. And we had.




Author notes

Penned May 5th 2009
9:26 pm EST

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Nicolette gold member
    May 11

    Edit | Reply
    Great to see you back on AP and in one of my contests, Shirley. I almost feel like saying “welcome”!

    There is a lot of Neruda’s voice in this poem of yours, especially the first line of the 2nd stanza. I liked “waited for my callouses to heat” very much. I also find in this poem something of the melancholy that was so characteristic of Neruda’s poetry – even in his love poems. The narrative style is also in line with his style of writing.

    With a few slight changes here and there this poem could be even more Neruda-like, e.g.

    “Many years we spent
    waiting for your dawn,
    watching as your half-love
    ruined her shape,
    wounded what was left
    of your sincerity.”

    I liked the opening stanza and the way it places the reader right in the mood and essence of this poem. I think you don’t need last sentence of the 2nd stanza – it’s powerful enough to stand with out “(with your seed)”. Apart from those few suggestions I think you managed to capture the contest prompt (clay/earth/Neruda) very well here. Definitely a poem that stirs something inside this reader…those hind-sights, sighs! Thank you for the entry.

    ~ Nicolette


  • lysdarling
    May 9

    Edit | Reply
    "We spent many years
    waiting for your dawn,
    watching as your half-love
    ruined her shape
    and wounded what was left
    of your sincerity."
    --this is the most lovely. genuinely, i have never heard this situation put more perfectly into words. i don't understand the last bit but i'm pretty sure that it is just me. this was a beautiful write i thoroughly enjoyed reading!


  • Heart Sutra
    May 7
    Edit | Reply
    I love the last few lines.


  • inkstaind
    May 5

    Edit | Reply
    =) I was so excited when I saw your sn love! and now I remember why I missed you being on here so much. this is absolutely beautiful! =) I missed you!