Aggressivley she holds her tongue,
he's known no wrath like hers before.
His careless comment deeply stung,
she whispers sobs behind closed doors.
Trying hard to soothe her ache,
he digs the knife in further.
Confusion as to what mistake,
he made that caused this furor.
Helplessly he left a note,
to tell her that he's sorry.
Head hung low he grabbed his coat,
then left her in a hurry.
This game she played with his heart,
was one she had perfected.
Many men she'd torn apart,
enjoying the gifts that she'd collected.
Imagine her surprise and utter shock,
when he hadn't sent the presents.
Finally she called to talk,
and her tone was oh so pleasant.
Until she heard this female's voice,
then rage replaced the sweetness.
Her pride was hurt by his choice,
and his obvious happiness.
She's found herself all alone,
with her precious gifts.
Older now in her cat filled home
she sits and reminices...
As we lived happliy ever after.
A contest entry
- Can You Handle a REAL Critique? by DramaQueen469.
900 points, ended May 8, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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you go I loved this!
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Thanks for entering!
Well first off, I got a kick out of the fact that my username was in the title!
One or two timy things:
"Agressivley" should be "aggressively"
"gifts" and "reminisces" - this rhyme really didn't work for me; it just wasn't close enough.
The fact that these are the two things I pick up on is very impressive. You tell your tale smoothly, with great rhyme and flow. You start strong, and maintain momentum throughout.
Overall, I genuinely enjoyed this piece!
Thankyou so much for entering, and I wish you the best of luck.
Maria
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