I have a really weird personality. I’m actually incredibly shy and quiet. No one I’ve met recently really believes that, mainly because I hide behind my weird sense of humor to compensate for the shyness. When the subject of my severe Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) comes up, people are equally shocked to find out that it took flunking eighth grade to get diagnosed.
I was so quiet during my public education career; even I was shocked at the diagnosis. Yeah, I got crappy grades in middle school, and I had a tendency to fidget in my seat, but I wasn’t acting out like the “real ADHD kids.” Because of this mindset, I didn’t believe the diagnosis until my junior year in high school. I just figured I was stupid, and I resented the pills. The Ritalin helped; but thanks to my backwards-teenage logic, I hated the fact that I couldn’t be smart or productive without it.
Eventually I started to appreciate Ritalin and embraced the “smart pills” as I call them. So much so, I sort of forgot what it was like to be without them. For the sake of science, I did an experiment. I went a whole week without Ritalin to see how stupid I really was; the notes are crappy for obvious reasons.
Day One: Not really stupid at this point, but very distractible. Don’t give a crap about what Doug and Dianne (Express advisers) are staying. Would rather be working on stuff than sitting in class listening. Lasts about 25 minutes before I get up and start wandering around the journalism department looking for something to do.
Almost took my evening Ritalin out of habit when I got home. Noticed that it took me about two hours to relax that night.
Day Two: As I was getting ready to head over to the Express to edit my sports page, I start questioning the experiment. What exactly am I trying to prove here? Am I trying to prove that my intelligence is artificial? Am I trying to make the point that the weird, hyper personality is mostly an act and I can behave halfway normal without my “chill pill”? I still haven’t figured out what I was trying to prove, but I’m hoping that it has nothing to do with artificial intelligence.
At school, I spent more time working on my experiment notes than I did looking at my sports page. Somewhere along the line, my stupid mouth promised to make enchiladas for the next day. After helping my grandmother make them, I called it a night. For some reason, I’m more tired than usual.
Day Three: Express production day. As soon as I wake up, I question whether or not I should do production without Ritalin. Got over that when I realized that I didn’t come up with any story assignments the night before. Figured I’d do that when I got to school. Luckily I beat Cecilio, the editor-in-chief, there; so I sent him the assignments with the note, “Blame the experiment, not the lab rat.”
I made it through the day with minimal stress. With the Express sent to print, I decided to climb up the steps of Hughes Stadium to shoot pictures over the edge of the building. I realized halfway up that I really did not think that idea through, as I was wearing flip-flops and I have crappy ankles and a bum knee. Surprisingly, I managed to stay injury-free until I tried to jump on the couch back at the Express. Ended my school day over-stimulated as hell.
Day Four: I don’t feel like dancing, or taking experiment notes today.
Day Five: Officially realized that I NEED to be medicated and that being a chemically induced zombie is not all that bad. I could feel my IQ dropping, and I missed my smart pills. Attempted to work on my Spanish, but it didn’t work because I was stuttering too much.
Day Six: One more day, hurray. Was starting to lose my temper; and while I don’t remember what it was about, it was probably really stupid. I decided to take a walk before I ended up hurting someone. While at the park down the street from my house, I hurt my arm a little trying to take a self-portrait while hanging on the monkey bars with just one hand.
It was at this point that I realized that this experiment was the worst idea I’ve ever had. I don’t believe anything will ever outrank this experiment, especially considering that the experiment replaced a self-induced concussion.
Day Seven: So happy that it’s practically over. Luckily I had a lot of photography to do for a church event that kept me occupied most of the day, so I didn’t feel as antsy.
Part of me still resents the pills a little because I can’t concentrate on my own power. That being said, I’d rather be a chemical-induced zombie than road kill because I wasn’t paying attention while wandering around town.
A lot of people with ADHD hate success, myself included. Sometimes, it freaks them out because of all their prior failures. The way I try to see it is that I have to work harder, so the occasional successes mean a little more.
Author notes
Stupidest experiment ever.
Whatever yo.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I have ADD, but I never took medication for it. I did take ritalin recreationally in high school. It calmed me down, lol. Stupid of me. I feel you on the distractedness though. I enjoyed reading this.
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not stupid at all.....this was powerful impact!
It took some serious guts to write this....
and it really bled the truth powerfully
and damn..............I agree I don't think
ADHD is a curse not when you can write like this!
wow! impact!
that's a mighty pen and ink you got there poet!
way to write!
ears/Seattle
applause-applause-applause
thankyou for sharing this powerful poem!
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I feel exhausted after reading this, I feel the need for a pill myself. I really do appreciate the courage it takes to write something this deep and personal.
Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading some of your poetry.
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I admire that you have written this. Not many are willing to write about their disabilities let alone do such a risky experiment with their medications.
Okay, I am bi-polar--the good one (so they say). When I'm manic, I'm extremely happy, and the depression just makes me want to sleep. I have gone off my medications many time, because I just want to feel normal. Unfortunately, I don't think I know what normal is. I stopped experimenting.
When I don't take my Lithium, I don't tremble any more, but I can't think clearly. When I don't take my Lexapro, I feel suicidal and desperate. So, I decided to continue my medications, and I now tremble so much that I can barely write my name. If I write much by hand, I can't read it later, but I can think. My mind will always race, and I will always feel less than the woman I want to be, but I'll be able to function in the world for a little while longer.
You're very brave, my little Terr-Bear, and I'm very proud of you. Your intelligence is not artificial, it's just hindered by your ADHD. It's okay to take your medication if it helps you stay sane and capable of clear thought. You just do what you feel you have to do and don't worry about the rest. I love you, Sweetie. Love, Patricia
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I was listening to NPR this morning on the way to school. They had some writer on, and she said that she had mild bi-polar. She said being bi-polar, in it's own weird way, made her a better writer.
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I agree wholeheartedly.
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Hey,
I think you have some guts doing something like this, I mean seriously, youre an adult and know whats needed and not and to experiment like this shows youve got a mind of your own and make your own decisions, whether not taking the meds is a good idea or not thats for you to decide but I think youve got that part down already.
'That being said, I’d rather be a chemical-induced zombie than road kill because I wasn’t paying attention while wandering around town.'
And Id rather you be a chemical induced zombie than road kill because we all love ya so much!!
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Splat!
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This reminded me a little of monologuing, I like the bold angle, i can't say if it was strictly the poetry i expect, am used to, or may be seeing in the future, but what defines what is poetically feesable, surely it is but a illusion or a idea, a thought process or a creative strand in anyway imagined. in concluesion it stirred my cortex and captivated my imagining with your words.
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That was a brave experiment to do. I won't discuss whether it was the right thing, only you can sat that, but it was interesting to read your insight into it.
I wonder if you felt like you might slowly get used to life without Ritalin, or was there definite losses without it? Was there something wrong that made you want to go without or was it a pure experiment?
I have a great-nephew who takes (I assume) Ritalin. I've never asked the name of the "smart pill" but it seems to have allowed him to focus and monitor his behavior. He isn't shy like you so his behavior wasn't good without it.
I guess I knew you were shy. So am I. And like you, who hide behind humor...that is me too, at least here on AllPoetry. Maybe it's not shy, I'm more socially awkward...I ean what do I talk about after the weather? That is always the big question. Maybe I need smart pills...I need smart something, lol.
Again, congratulation on the 4th place finish. That is a big deal, at least it would be to me. You should add that at the top of the page, you should be proud of it, brag a little!
Now I know what you meant in your IM about what you put yourself through. Lets not be doing that again, ok?
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Well, I'm off it again. Not voluntary though. I just don't have time to re-apply for Kaiser.
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