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Bloody Mary

It shouldn't be like this
What is there to say
Pillars of loveliness run through me
like ocean waves on a cloudy day

Rule Me!
I with no choose but to comply
Yet,wanting to cry

Is it you helping or hurting?
Forcing your will

  Together we seem chained-

longing for some elusive thrill

Me- left here in waiting
crying tears of your despise
Knowing i'll never see those dark painted eye's

The old man lays dead upon the floor
Was twenty three years ago-
he gave his heart to a younger woman

She took it teased it then swallowed it whole

Gaze into your mirror. Close your eye's
turn twice around
Chant Bloody Mary on a Merrygoround

What do you see?- Silly girl

 

 --------------------It's me

Author notes

No. 1 Please?-Oh and I do believe im male-Though willing to switch roll's if U so wish?

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 27 of 27

  • Kathraina silver member
    September 30

    Edit | Reply
    Wow very good job with this piece!
    I like the concept here, its chilling yet there is something light-hearted about it.

    bravo and thank you for entering



    ♥ kate


  • XxNinjaNemoxX
    September 10

    Edit | Reply
    Wow you've entered this into a lot of contests
    Ah I do remember hearing about this myth from my bestie
    I'm unsure whether I believe it or not
    But I enjoyed your write
    Thanks for entering and best of luck
    xoxo.


  • sgking123
    September 3

    Edit | Reply

    well done

    betrayal by a young woman..stabbing the old man of his faith.Did so well.Betryal seems to be your pet theme...and hard to get dames as well. I am gleaning that fast. You build up a pathos that is neat and sharp. A good read indeed.Thanks for your entry dear.Twist was slight.....presence in the mirror as the killer girl goes on about her business.


  • dutch2lips gold member
    July 28
    Edit | Reply
    a very good write, thank you for entering


  • leslielovesthomas
    July 26
    Edit | Reply
    Very different! I loved it! Great write. Thank you so much for entering and good luck!

    What family member do you want to be?


  • Mango Memories gold member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    ohh very unique and differnt this one is!

    I found it be creative and speshal to me

    DaRK but done well.

    Thankyou for a read.


  • whoudini
    July 17

    Edit | Reply

    This was a good poem of a thing we used to do as kids and yes all we could see was ourselves and some didnt even see that, we could see them leaving,

    scared out of their minds and it was still fun. thanks you brought back memories and this was well written and fully enjoyed , now i really want to read more of your work.,


  • Shades of Pale silver member
    July 17
    Edit | Reply
    great work! I love it!


  • jessifer1792
    July 16
    Edit | Reply

    ayyy.

    good write. so many contests... I might be off on this, and don't change it if I just missed something in your style... but did you mean to spell those like "though's" ? Just wondering, it threw me off a bit. You have a really good flow here though, well done. Finalist.


  • okadadokie
    July 15
    Edit | Reply
    Super job, really good write

    ~Oka


  • RemovedName
    July 14

    Edit | Reply

    Judge

    Good job, but i dont think it fits the contest on the gore..etc. part.
    Thank you for entering and goodluck
    -Cody


  • Juggalette Sammy
    July 12

    Edit | Reply
    Great job at this poem. I don't think it quite fits my sick and demented craving, but yet, it's still pretty good.

    Great job and Good Luck!

    Thanks for entering.


  • cazzy71
    July 11

    Edit | Reply

    Bizarre

    This is bizarrely brilliant,a topsy turvy write,that is odd,but in such an appealling way.I like this,but I cannot explain why.


  • Miss Macabre
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    This is different yet enjoyable. It's dark just like I wanted, an overall good write. Thanks for entering and good luck.


  • Livingemptyspaces
    July 6

    Edit | Reply
    Lie's doesn't need that. I think it's lays anyway.

    I'm confused by all the dashes and... yea.

    I think, if it means what I'm getting- this is a nice piece. A little drama is always nice in poetry.

    and it's Bloody Mary

    andandandGoodluck

    -Livingemptyspace


  • prankstar
    July 2

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this. Its twisted and i like that. Definently worth reading. thanks for the entry ^^

    ---prankstar


  • squirrelgirl
    June 30
    Edit | Reply
    This wasn't funny for me at all. It doesn't work in my contest. I'm sorry. This is an interesting poem, don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like it or anything, but I'm judging by how hard a poem makes me laugh/ how broad my smile is when I'm reading it. And I didn't even smile while reading it.


  • nobodys-girl
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    oh wow! this excited me in some strange way, like i didn't want to stop reading. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!


  • ladybug.
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    This captured my attention tremendously. It did have a theatrical feel as I read it aloud. Great job, thanks for sharing ♥


  • The Fun House silver member
    June 13

    Edit | Reply
    This is interesting and creative, I like that. It has a very theatrical presence when read aloud. Very well done


  • forbidden-colour
    June 4

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for entering!

    Okay so, really not what I was expecting, the term "Bloody Mary" has always seemed to me like some silly term so I can agree with your ending in saying you are a silly girl in thinking so!

    Overall this poem lacked creativity and metaphor, it was written off the back of some stupid superstition and quite frankly you did it badly.

    Thank you for entering anywho and the best of luck to you in future projects!

    Sophie.

  • xVamPirexMusiCx
    June 1
    Edit | Reply
    I love it! but if you dont put what I asked for in your An I will have to DQ it


  • Night Terrors
    May 17

    Edit | Reply
    nice job I think it was a really fasinating poemI think you have a wonderful poem here. You use great imagery in all your poems I have noticed.


  • Englandgirl2008
    May 12

    Edit | Reply
    I'm going to be honest. I lost intrest rather fast sadly ......But I will have my twin sister leave you a comment and let her score for you.

    Hey,
    Ok first off let me say that this was an amazing poem I loved it. You have a wonderful talent. Keep on writing and showing the talent you have.

    Imagery/10
    Style/30
    background/30
    Prompt used/
    Prewrite/10
    fresh write/0
    Points: 80

    Fave part was: Me- left here in waiting
    crying tears of your despise
    Knowing i'll never see though's- dark painted eye's

  • musiccraze2009
    May 4

    Edit | Reply
    This is a nice write. The background color doesn't really fit. I couldn't really get into the poem but I really liked the ending (not in the mean Simon Cowell way but the ending was truely good ha!) I haven't received a message from you like I ask for in the rules so if you could send it to me that would be great. What I'm looking for in the message is stated in the rules. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!


  • Sunday Rain
    May 3
    Edit | Reply

    o.o

    I like this poem, but please add a background...

1 - 27 of 27