staggering,
alcohol overflowing,nice and sticky in the morning.
people dancing,can't really see them.
hazy.
hazy,slow and lazy.
fog.
trance.
slow motion,everything in slow motion.
SPEEDUP.
gonna be sick,SLOW.DOWN.
ow.
spinning.
outside.outside,good.
light up.inhale.
mmm.lungs burning.nice,comforting.
isolated and leaning.
cool brick wall.good.i'm burning up.
won't remember this tommorrow but i’ll say it was genius.
A contest entry
- Give me poem for critiquing - I'm judging on potential by bridgetjanejone.
700 points, ended May 7, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can You Withstand a Blunt review? by NoseRingGirl.
950 points, ended May 8, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Contest III by T.o.r.t.u.r.e..
700 points, ended May 18, 127 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quotes - Intoxication, Genders, Gay Marraige, Etc. by TheGangstress.
550 points, ended May 18, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
I think this was a very well-done and masterful description of a drunk person, emphasized by your unusual structure. I think what you did there was perfectly ingenious.
Overall, I like it. Well done. -
thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.
"alcohol overflowing,nice and sticky in the morning.
people dancing,can't really see them.
hazy.
hazy,slow and lazy.
fog.
trance.
slow motion,everything in slow motion.
SPEEDUP.
gonna be sick,SLOW.DOWN.
ow.
spinning.
outside.outside,good."
-
Nope. Any poem with "gonna be sick,SLOW DOWN" isn't saying anything. I don't get "ow" and I don't get the weird punctuation. Not for me.
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