left right
left right...
rocking back and forth
back and forth
my dreams bring forth this image
freedom, love, happiness
sailing away from my troubles
floating away from reality
left right
back forth
with my eyes closed i am in charge
i command, i am strong...
with my eyes closed i am dreaming
left right
left....
freedom, love, happiness
dreams do come true,
right?
Author notes
i dont really like it,but im not the best jugde....so please tell what you think!
Written March 9th, 2004
A contest entry
- Contest for new March members ~Come Sail Away~ by Barbara.
300 points, ended April 3, 2004, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I have to agree with the use of i because its a bit distracting but the overall feel of the piece was extremely good. Good job
Nikki -
I feel a little sea sick now
lol Some clever word play included in thsi - made me smile
Take care and good luck in the contest
Hayley x x -
I like the 'jerky' movements of left - right - the motions of rowing almost. An interesting entry, thank you
Good Luck
~Von~ -
This was really well written, and the flow was easy to follow. I found myself continuing through the whole poem with the one-two-one beat you set at the beginning of the poem. Good write! Best of luck as well
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very imaginative an interesting and refreshing entry...nicely done...good luck in the contest!..hugs..leanne xx
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Nicely done samma I felt the back forth, left right repetition gave the feel that we were indeed on the boat. Interesting feel throughout. Overall, well done
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A /movement/ kind of alliteration. Interesting!
I do agree with Lakota on the spelling of "I". Since the painting is so very much traditional, it would seem more fitting!
Thank you for entering....nice write! Warmly, CookieZeal -
I like the poem and you do get the feeling you're on a boat with the rocking, But I think you could tidy it up a little! Such as making the i capitals and something which I try and do is to read the poem out loud, see what little changes you can make.
Good luck!!!
Lakota x -
Nice poem with a nice cadence to it. The flow is good and the line breaks beneficial to the overall feel of the poem.
Thank you for entering this
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