i. him
she was poetry;
my sunset, and my air.
her kisses fell, a whisper
upon my tongue,
but i could not bring myself
to drink her intoxicating
enigma.
trembling fingers
brushed scar-tissue
from the heart which cried
to be broken;
glass veins twitched
against my chest, diamonds
slipping as they sliced
through sweat-drenched palms.
there were no words
for how i loved her.
ii. her
he was midnight,
fierce and tranquil;
his gentle breath, like fire,
melted my sanctuary;
the steel haven to which i consecrated
my purple-tinged heart.
eyelids crushed
by subtle overtures of ardour
painted red, it frightened
me to love this much;
ethereal ballerinas
danced a cryptic pas-de-deux
inside my chest.
forever was finite,
but i wished the world
would stop for us.
Author notes
Challenge 2: Outside the box
Write in the life of another person, any other object, animal or person,
just write of their life struggles, get in their character and show me their life.
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For two very special ones. ♥
In a list
A contest entry
- Ruined Mental Pictures Break The Glass by Delete---.
800 points, ended June 10, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - favorites only; send me your prewrites by winterbound..
360 points, ended December 1, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Fluff is great, but it really doesn't help; honesty is the best policy.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I love the way you combine honest thoughts with creative imagery. To be able to have a poem that contains a pas-de-deux in ones chest as well as the phrase "it frightened me/ to love this much" is astoundingly magical.
The only part of this poem that threw me as extraneous was the mention of the colors. The purple-tinged heart and painted red ardour stick out as uneccessary detail that doesn't fit with the rest of the poem and it's tone. They're, frankly, rather plain words in this setting. If you are truly dead set on having these colors make an appearance, I would recommend "florid" in place of "red" since the word has so many connotations while still being red. For "purple" I'd recommend any of the following: "lavender, violet, lilac, mauve, wine, plum, magenta, or
amethyst" as these all stimulate the senses in a different way other than just a color.
Other wise, very lovely work. The metaphor of seeing the girl as poetry is excellent. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.
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This is such a beautiful poem, I sat for a minute when I stopped reading and just thought about the way it made me feel. The emotions here are incredibly strong, and your imagery simply blew me away. Very powerful poem, I really liked this!
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WOW, wow
blown away by this
i wish i could be more constructive
but honestly i don't think there anything to change
it's so beautiful
i like how it's different
you use words , not normally used to describe the things you describe
i feel like these people were soo feverently in love
so passionate and intense,
wonderful <3 -
this really is one of the best pieces i've read so far on allpoetry. it all flows so nicely and your imagery is pure magic. i wish i could write like this!
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man that's incredible, one of the best I've ever read on this site.
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fluff can not discribe this poem the passion and the heart and the hope that it gives off bravo
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wow this is beautiful lor-lor- thank you for writing this love, it means alot. makes me feel special I loves you All my love,
Kitty xxx
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Thank you. It's good to know that at least people become inspired by my feelings. I wish i had a printer actually so that i could keep a physical copy of this.
I guess it's up to her though if she wants to remove it.
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