You held my hand
You smiled at me
You said you would never leave
You were my own flesh and blood
You were the reason I tried so hard
You were all I had left in life
So why am I crying now
So why don't you give a shit
So why do I have to pick up your mess
So its my fault this all happened
So when did you turn in t a prick
So how come I'm the one left behind
It wasn't my fault
It wasn't my choice
It was what you wanted
It happened because of you
It didn't change me much
It did change you
You left me behind
You turned and kicked me away
You threw me to the ground
You laughed the entire time
As My world came crashing down
I could have used a hand up
Not a fist to keep me down
Guess what
My turn
Turn around and leave me be
I can't stand the sight of you
Goodbye brother
Kiss my ass on the way out
Author notes
J E P A R D Y
(New)
A contest entry
- Slipping Into the Pit of Your Dispair... and Knowing No one really Cares... by Jazzlyn.
800 points, ended May 13, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm not insensitive, I just don't care. by AbidoodleCullen.
400 points, ended September 18, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Thoughts....
Comments
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A lot of anger within this piece. It is full of your raw emotion and it seems to me you got it all out here. Your flow in this is also good.
All in all a great piece of writing from your heart. Keep at it.
So when did you turn in *t* a prick
Should be *Into*
Dark Wishes
Wayne Leon
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There seems to be alot of emotion in it. ^-^ Very much alot. Haha. Um, all of it seemed rather interesting, but the last stanza totally threw me off coarse. Lol. Very Vulgar.. >.< Good regardless.
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very good except a few mistakes
4th stanza 2nd line, "So when did you turn in t a prick" should be, "So when did you turn into a prick"?
and I did not understand the 3rd line in the 8th stanza but it was a good write -
WOW! The language! No offense, but I think you should take the bad language out. I understand that it adds to the intensity of the poem, but I also think that there are other ways to bring out that same intensity. Also, since every line is bascially another thought, I think you should add a period to the end of one line. Also, the line with the prick, I think there's a typo. Oh, and by the wya, I have two brothers, so I can understand how you feel.
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