Say goodbye without knowing it
Just smile and pretend
If only you weren't driving
Then I would still have a friend
Speeding up so quickly
Along that road wet with tears
Soon to flow from the pain
Which stayed with us through the years
I can't believe you did it
Never really understood why
You wrote in that letter
To which I could never reply
Four years later,
And they stood upon that stage
Whispering your name
Shredding your diploma with rage
It wasn't that you wanted it
Or that you took this way too far
There was only one thing wrong
I, too, was in that speeding car
Author notes
S h a d o w S t a l k e r = New Write
A contest entry
- Slipping Into the Pit of Your Dispair... and Knowing No one really Cares... by Jazzlyn.
800 points, ended May 13, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Does it sound too emo-ish?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
I'm not an easily shocked person, but my jaw dropped, literally at the end of this. Surprise endings are one of the coolest things you can do in poetry, and you pulled that off excellently here. The rhyme was quite nicely done. Although the rhythm is a little off at times, I've met few poets with perfect rhythm, and it wasn't at all degrading from the poem. Just...wow. I'm astonished, still! Beautifully done!
-
Yeah a little emo-ish. I always read about bloody car accidents and death, so it gets old after awhile. The ending had a nice twist, but the rhyming was a little cheesy. I'm torn about this one. It isn't a masterpiece, but I guess it doesn't totally suck either. Anyways, "whispering out" seems to interrupt the flow a little, so go back and check that if you can. Put some feeling in this for Christ's sake too, it's like eating cardboard, there's no flavor or spice. Keep working on it, and make me weep with rage and grief about your speeding car incident.
Conner -
First off thanks for the comment
Second I think your poem is awsome and you have just as good a chance at winning as I do. I absolutely love the ending
"It wasn't that you wanted it
Or that you took this way too far
There was only one thing wrong
I, too, was in that speeding car"
very nice. I wish you luck in the contet
-
wow thats an awesome write, best of luck in the contest.
-
very good and protrayed another side of pain
i like how you painted the picture for me
great write
P.S:: Please write your name with spaces in between -
-
Thanx, I forgot about the spaces! Good luck with your contest, it looks like you're getting a lot of entries. Where do you find the time to read all the stuff?
Schmitty -
-
I don't have a life so i have plenty of time... and it keeps my mind off of other things in my life so i'm distracted thats why i hold contests
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
