you expired in my mind
like old milk
so quickly
like tarred lungs
and lost breath
of a recluse social smoker
so slowly
like an explosion --
lightning speed
if anything should have exploded
it should have been your heart
so full of love
grand is an understatement
I wish he would have gotten to meet you
the man who has captured my heart for a lifetime
much like you did when I was a child
everyone knew I was granddaddy's little girl
you're the only one he can't meet but yet
the only one that I really want him to know
we came by an address of permanence
to foreboding non-believers
who will only scream for God on their deathbeds
but we didn't grieve standing above a box of bones
under new blankets of grass
because we know you aren't there
we looked up to the sky
and as a single raindrop fell
on my beloved's head in a sunshower
you blessed our upcoming matrimony
with the love a grandfather should
there is a picture by grandma's bed
you hold the world in your hands
somehow you knew back then that my world
would not be where I planted my feet
but it was where I was to go
my roots were to flourish from an acorn to a tree
a caterpillar to a butterfly
without a cocoon
Author notes
(2009-5-2)
In a list
- VI. Ex-Files: Break-up Poems & Poems That Were Too Good To Destroy • next in list
- I. To My Family • next in list
- {Starts With W} • next in list
- {Free Verse} • next in list
A contest entry
- Be published in the next Allpoetry Book! Theme: Grief by Kevin.
800 points, ended May 15, 111 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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This is so heart felt and beautifully written this transpire: tender sadness and deep emotion. I especialy love the last two stanzas what wonderful images you have created with your pen. As for the reader who tears apart your poems one advice is not to reply just press "Edit" under the author name ant then press "delete" as I have done, to ignore bad behaviour especialy from somebody who has a lack of poetic fibre (unlike you) is the best way, if she insist there is the ignore list.
Keep writing you do it very well.
*clap* *clap*
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I appreciate your comment and applause.
As for your advice on the other commentor, I am pretty thick-skinned I can handle it. I know that everyone is not going to like every aspect of what I write, if I delete I'll give everyone the wrong impression, I much rather keep comments in tact and respond to them, whether they be high praise, indifference or harsh critiques.
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wow.
Your last stanza just, stunned me.
This is such a strong write. i loved it.
Well done on a PERFECT write
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I took you up on your request to read your poetry (obviously)
You are gifted. Wow.
Best part of this piece is:
you expired in my mind
like old milk
so quickly
like tarred lungs
and lost breath
of a recluse social smoker
so slowly
like an explosion --
lightning speed
if anything should have exploded
it should have been your heart
so full of love
grand is an understatement
It stands so powerfully alone, Daniela. Truly.
I'd leave this one at that (the first stanza) and if you need to write about your beloved and your marriage, find a way to match the first stanza of this piece.
Last two stanzas also are very haunting. Two and three are not nearly as strong.
I'm sorry for your loss. Truly.
Lilac Moon
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this is getting published and very personal... I'm not changing it for you.
thanks for the comment though, I must have lost it in the mess of comments you made on my other poem. Please don't tell me how to write when it comes to personal pieces, thank you. -
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Aww, man. I'm sorry you took my comments in such a bad way.
Good luck in you endeavors -- I meant no harm at all.
Lilac Moon -
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that's me in the picture with this poem by the way...
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I thought it was, and once I saw your profile pic, I knew it was
It's a great pic and I can totally relate (but the pics like this that I have are of me and my Dad.)
Lilac Moon
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It hurt because... well this is about my grandfather who died 5 years ago and my whole point of writing the poem was the two stanzas that you said
weren't strong. I do not sit down and write and think "is this a strong line?, is this a strong stanza?" when it comes to things like this. You obviously look at technicalities of a poem more than meaning or emotion but be aware that while doing so you may tear at someone's heart. -
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Yearning...
Daniela,
As I have said elsewhere, I am sorry for your loss.
You may have gatherered from the majority of what I've written recently that my father passed away one year ago. We were very close.
I can't say I know how you feel, having learned myself that we feel the grief of each death we experience in our own lives and it is so unique to the person we've lost. And then, each person also experiences the death of a loved one differently from each other.
I can say that I have an inkling of how you feel.
I was very taken by your first stanza, it had so much impact on me that I was moved to comment.
I will say no more here about this piece; I understand your sense of loss and your wish that your grandfather could have met your fiance. My husband's father died quite young (three years before we met), hence I never met him; I know my heart aches for not knowing him -- and I know now, not nearly as much as my sweet husband's heart aches.
Lilac Moon
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Thank you for understanding. I thought about ignoring you and not letting you comment on my poems any further but then I thought it better to just explain.
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I of course understand and appreciate that you took the time to reply here. Truly.
Lilac Moon
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ah, this is so touching. I am grieving for my recently deceased father and this really speaks to me. I am so pleased to see that it will appear in Ink Angles because I have a couple poems coming out in that, too, so I will be able to read this again in the future, (in book format, which thankfully, comes without comments.
) Congrats on your pub!
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What a great piece! Worded beautifully, love it.
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"under new blankets of grass
because we know you aren't there
we looked up to the sky
and as a single raindrop fell
on my beloved's head in a sunshower
you blessed our upcoming matrimony" that is my favorite part of the poem. This piece of poetry is stunning and captivating, truly remarkable. There is so much feeling and emotion pored into each line and every single word; makes you think, I love when poetry makes you think that’s the best part about poetry the thought and feeling lingering in your head after words see now you know you did something right I’m ranting aren’t I? I just wanted you to know that I really enjoyed this write keep up writing well penned literature bravo! You should be proud. -
You sound really happy - like you have found a happy place or a happy 'cocoon' to use the metaphor from your piece as a contrast to the point of grief. It is beautiful. Hope that you are well. Anthony.
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