The way you smiled
when you said those lying words...
The way you betrayed me
with your lies...
Those words you said
meant the world to me
But to you
they meant nothing but tickets
You were everything to me
But I was nothing to you...
You'd left so suddenly
and all our memories
vanished
or had they never existed?
I was broken when you found me
and I thought you helped me
mend those wounds
But you only tore it wider
with your lies
It's amazing, in a way
that one lie
could hurt you so badly...
tearing you piece by piece
Hopes, desires, bliss
Nothing-
but artificial-
evnaescent feelings
Lies can make the truth,
hurt twice as much
and the pain...
three times as much
I was used,
abused,
misused,
and ended up bruised
I need warmth
to melt my cold heart
and a lending ear
to hear my troubles
which I've bottle up for so long
A new source of light
that will turn these lies
into truth
Author notes
I'm a little rusty with my writing so I apologize for the horrible poetry.
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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i like this and it holds alot, really well written and it really stood pout to me. really good
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I feel like being critical. But the compliments come at the end. Don't worry. :]
1. One word, excluding these, of course, and the ones after this main one word: PUNCTUATION! The lack of commas and periods is annoying to me. But it's not the worst part. Not by far.... dunh dunh dunh *scary music plays*.
2. Capitalization - are you going to make up your mind, or not? Either capitalize every line, or only capitalize the beginnings of every new sentence. Don't switch!
3. "I was broken when you found me
and I thought you helped me
mend those wounds
But you only tore it wider
with your lies."
I think 'it' should be 'them,' since you say 'those wounds' instead of 'that wound' or something similar.
4. "It's amazing, in a way
that one lie
could hurt you so badly...
ripping you apart piece by piece."
I think you should substitute 'you' with 'me,' because you, as in you, not whoever you are talking about, are the one who is supposedly being 'ripped apart' by the lies.
5. "Hopes, desires, bliss
Nothing-
but artificial-
evnaescent feelings."
Spellcheck on the 'evnaescent,' although I do know what you are trying to write. What are the hyphens for? I would get rid of them [destroy, abolish, annihilate, murder, KILLKILLKILL!!! ...]
6. "Lies can make the truth,
hurt twice as much
and the pain...
three times as much."
I do not like the repetition of 'as much.' You should write something else besides 'twice as much' and 'three times as much,' like 'doubly so' or something.
7. One of the best friends of the poet is the THESAURUS! Use some other word instead of lies, like untruths, or dishonesty, or deceit, or SOMETHING.
8. Try to work on your beginning and ending. They're both a little weak, and could use a hook and a better conclusion.
Criticism over! If you've even read this far, aren't you relieved?
COMPLIMENTS! Yay!
Seems heartfelt, though a little cliched. But cliche is comforting, at times. :]
Very true-ish poem about lies. Hah, that's kind of funny, TRUE-ish poem about LIES... get it? ... never mind...
You're finally writing again! This is cause for celebration. :]
Looking forward to future writes,
- :}
[if you look at it sideways, the colon is two eyes, and the bracket-y thing is a beak... get it? Like OWLISH, my name? ... *sigh* ...]
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O.o My gosh! How long did it take you to write this? Anyhoo, I'm still working on the poem so wait till I finish it
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Change your pic! It is proof of your stereotypical emo-ness! lol, anyhoo, took about five minutes. LISTEN TO ME ADVICE. Ah, from the mouths of Chloe... you know, like the mouths of babes? ... never mind. >.< You are too ignorant to understand my awesome power and wisdom and superiority over your inferiority and etc.
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? huh? But I don't want to change my pic
I can't find any other good ones. -_- anyhow, I'm to lazy to change it.
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-_- yourself.
Get some sort of pic to go in a way with your name. Like the Akatsuki! Lol, like I have an OWL for OWLish. Heh. :]
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Your words soooooo very true! Been there, done that! ugh.... no fun at all! What a read this one is! I love it...
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