This city is slowly eroding away.
Childish building blocks are so unstable now.
The foundations break as reality sways.
Ultimate disaster, but no one knows how.
Debris now scattered among the forgotten,
Time runs out faster, yet hiding its remorse.
Wrapping the fallen within the wool of cotton.
They try to deny it, with fake smiles - they force.
Ashes blacken sky, filling the horizon.
Insult turns to injury - broken and bruised.
Warning alarms rang, yet no one would wisen.
Frame to this city was shattered and misused.
Stability crumbles, pulling sanity down.
Beautiful city, now mentality's ghost town.
Author notes
Phoenix Karkadann
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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You've got a good basis here, but there are a few things that need to be addressed.
TECHNICALLY: If you are not going to use proper punctuation, you should take it out all together. However, there are some poems that just need it. I would recommend punctuating this poem in its entirety. The second stanza is kind of rough, due to lack of punctuation. It's hard to tell if there should be a pause (,) or a stop (.) at the end of line 1. The whole stanza needs reworking a bit, with punctuation.
Also, the rhymes are pretty rough in the 2nd stanza.
In the 3rd stanza, you need to de-pluralize either "ashes" or "blackens". It should read either "Ash blackens sky" or "Ashes blacken sky". Also in this stanza, you're mixing present and past tenses. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not. It almost works, but there is something awkward about it. In the last line, I believe you meant to denote ownership of the town as belonging to mentality; therefore, you meant to say "mentality's" not "mentalities".
SUBJECT MATTER: Overall, I like the feel of it. You have some pretty nice emotion-evoking word combinations ("childish building blocks", "reality sways", "broken and bruised"). This poem stirs up a lot of emotions and images. Good write, you just needed to take a little more time editing before you submitted it. Keep working on it, you're a pretty decent writer.
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Thank you for your review, i will be honest and say that punctuation is definitely my week point in writing.
I have made changes to the poem
hopefully it flows better with the punctuation.
With the third stanza, the mixing of past and present is intentional. There was warning, and there was abuse, resulting in the devastation... Hopefully that makes sense
Thank you again for the review.
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A lot of very nice words in this piece, but a few rhymes are a touch forced. I can sympathize with the struggle, as I seldom have the guts to try rhyming poetry. I would almost encourage you to keep the basic meaning but ditch the rhyme scheme period; it would allow your powerful imagery to really breathe without being stuck in awkward constructions like "with fake smiles they force." The line, I think, would be better as "they force fake smiles" or even "their smiles, forced."
The closing line is beautiful, regardless. Do you mean 'mentalities' as in more than one mentality, or "mentality's" possessive? -
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i understand what you mean, but i wanted to write it as a sonnet type. yes the rhyming is a bit forced, but all in all, i am happy with the way it turned out.
thank you though for your comment
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This is a really deep poem. The title draws you in and, the words keep you there. I've lived in this town so I can absolutely relate to this poem. The very last two lines will certainly stay in my mind for a long while. If I were you I wouldn't dare consider revising this. It's as close to perfection as any poem can get. I loved it.
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Wow this is amazing!
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Time takes its toll and erodes at us eh? that was very deep, i got some great visuals from reading it. well done!
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that's something you don't read everyday
that's really good babe i can't really say much more though, my favorite part is all of it
good poem
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