Solemn water, tolerant past.
Craven logs, sorrowed, last,
Eternal furtive.Hypnotic cast.
Solitary mountain, still in stand;
Grasping fiend, a flailing hand,
Mediocre death, a ventured land.
How can I improve?
Comments
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You have a talent at causing emotion with a few short powerful words.
I can read a story in this, it's written in such a way that it holds meaning for you, the poet and others can apply their own meaning to it.
Great job!
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
Since you asked me for a detailed comment...
Let us start with a few spelling mistakes. Solem should be solemn (add an N to the end). Grsping, you missed the A for grasping. And medicore should be mediocre. You need to change the O.
You have good line breaks in this, but are inconsistent with your punctuation. Also, I am kind of confused with the way you have used craven, as it is an adjective solely to describe a person and/or their actions (or lack of). In this case , logs can not lack courage or be cowardly.
I think the meaning to this is spot on, as it displays a hidden sense of foreboding yet a sort of realism- a lost feeling if you will, one that we know somewhere we will face. Overall, it is good, just looks like it was typed in a bit of a rush. Nice job.
Welcome to AP. If you have any questions or need help with anything, IM me.
Keep expressing through writing.
Storm
Site Greeter -
:)
Its awesome! Much better than mine.
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