the rain was cold
it soaked through my
shirt and i stiffened
as it robbed the heat
emanating from my chest
she lied to me
and there i was, her
frigid confession still
turning over in my stomach
while some prick
was getting her praises
as she tried on his blue silk bathrobe
walking aimlessly along Main
i dipped into a small black crack
between buildings, hoping for
some shelter from the downpour
amongst the grimy debris
of a town deep in slumber
when i felt something strong
prod into my back, and
a demand for my wallet
that was masked by the thunder
and i realized how desperate
i was for her arms and the warmth
she was giving someone else
as i struggled to hand over
the small leather bundle
but i was too slow
and paid for it with a piece
of granite to my skull
i heard the crack and felt
my neck get warm
i smelled iron
and just before i slipped
under, i looked behind me
and saw her
so tired, then
and why was she there?
why, god, wasn't she rushing to
me, rescuing me from this chilly abyss?
i shuddered as she smiled and
slowly walked away, her steps
fading and turning blurry
as i succumbed to sleep, alone
in the cold, steady rain
Author notes
The how and why can be found within the poem if one reads enough into it.
Sometimes the cruelest and darkest of crimes are carried out in the plainest of ways.
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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Oh wow this is will there isnt any words to describe it filled with longing for a love one,and then recive betryal from the love one which blinds us from accepting that they betryed us
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I like the twist..
This can be taken in more than one way I believe. It can be translated as feeling as if you are being robbed because of the betrayal. It could be that she was on the mind and hallucination set in. Or, it could simply be that while the heart was broken and the fog carried the body away, she took advantage of the daze and made it look like a mugging. Either of those, I still like this very descriptive piece. It's quite mesmerizing when you read it over and over. Very nice write here. I quite love it the way it is.
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Very powerful and poignant. It is a sharp read giving you a sting of words; both to heart and to soul. Excellent work.
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initite props
dude no homo but i almost busted tears
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well, this was intruiging
very well written, with emphasis on certain passages, and a great usuage of words and feelings
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Very Interesting
It could have bee her if she had been following you but she was with someone else, illusions from the blow on the head and the strong sense of her still wit you.
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I love it!
it's amazing and very interesting -
Nice
very good job an entertaining piece i like how you wrote this in such a dark kindly twisted fantasy style to me the thing that kept me was the imagery you use to decribe what has happened nice story though great job i have to say my favorite part is this
when i felt something strong
prod into my back, and
a demand for my wallet
that was masked by the thunder
insane style great job no doubt one of the best poems i have read. -
I like it!
Good writing!
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this is good i love it and
its so good i mean you done a
good job this peace
wow keep it going
you are going a good
job -
keep it coming i like it alot
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Ok. The first six stanzas? Very very good. Actually, the first four of perfect. The next two are good but not nearly as sharp and then after the six one you lose that perfect balance of action and image.
I think when you're not writing from something that affects you personally and in a very deep way, you get lost in trying to tell a story and the poetic aspect suffers.
Yes, I think that's what happens. Just my opinion, mind you. But still.
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omg i like it
i love the way you pictured the gun shoot awesum!!
all the best i hope you win with this awesum piece!
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I like this poem....it lets me read what I like to read
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No poem since May. Why? You have such an ability here that others surely don't want to miss.
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Interesting
It is interesting to read, keep it up. -
Deep, but very intense
I think what your saying was she set you into the cold without her love,and you felt she was the one who held you up.Robbed you and shot you in the head.That's my opinion, but I found it a great read,my heart hurt for you as it was touching
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ENTERTAINING WRITE
Explosive imagry, very impressive.
I felt the emotions in this write.
My eyes could'nt read fast enough to this.
well done
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Amazing undertones.
Very dark and brimming with melancholy, The whole piece is very grim but in a way that adds a depressing realism particularilly within the last stanza.
An extremely compotent piece.
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Thought provoking
Because it does paint the narrators' emotions and his actions so vividly without being over descriptive. Irony is what I get from the overall read...basically being 'kicked' when you are already down..
A great first read for me..
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very nice
it is a very well piece keep them coming and also thanks a million for sharing I will be reading you again
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This type of thing happened to me in
New York and it brought back memories and well good one since all they took was a wallet , good write and thanks it was real and to the point.
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Greay write
Really I thought it was very intriguing :]
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Well I really liked this poem and the situation you present yourself in with this person. You say the how and why can be seen in the poem. I believe you should have not believed her when she said or you said "she lied to me." Sometimes they play games to see where your head is at. Now the "bundle" what's in it, money, drugs, etc. Anyway, I got a lot of pleasure from this poem. I like the poetic way you bring this whole picture into being.
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I think this is very creative! i like it
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Hmmm, when I read it, it almost sounded like she was an accomplice to the crime. I'm probably wrong and should read through it again. It is definitely an interesting poem that leaves a lot to the imagination.
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I was very impressed, that was the first poem I have read since I signed up and it was great. I didn't know a boy could write that good.
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What, did you think only women could write well?
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haha lol.
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u r so cool i love your poems u and u r so sweet stay just da way u r
u r so cool i love your poems u and u r so sweet stay just da way u r
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other than some lower case letters that should be upper case this was very good. i liked how your made the reader intersted in your situation, dedicting their eyes to your emotions. nice read
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The lower case letters were intentional.
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good job
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I do agree with my co-judge about gore. But I do like the whole story here and the fact that you did leave a bit to the imagination. Well done.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
In my opinion this was way too short and you could've done so much more ... I had to check what your criteria was and there was not enough gore in it for my liking.
But, having said that, it did leave a lot to my imagination, so thank you for that : -
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My initial attempt at writing this created something that would have spanned at least two parts. However, I wanted to condense what I was trying to express in such a long piece into something shorter in an effort to lose much of the filler I felt was unnecessary. Doing this, I felt, would allow the poem to become more potent.
You are correct in that I could have done a great deal more with this, but refraining from doing so was my intent. I wanted this piece to be short, abrupt, but personal--the way killings like this often happen. I prefer my poetry to allow the reader to reflect on what he/she has just read and therefore come to his/her own conclusions.
Personally, I've never liked the use of a lot of gore in poetry, particularly my poetry. I feel that gore can desensitize the reader and cause him/her to focus solely on that, without paying mind to the dark thoughts, emotions and psychologies of these poems, and particularly of the narrator. This may stem from my inability to write about gore all that well, or perhaps I grew tired of it when I was younger (I used to write short stories a lot, and many of them contained enormous amounts of gore). I realize the parameters for this contest called for gore, and I feel that what I have provided is sufficient, as the reader will likely form a mental picture of the situation and its grisly reality.
Thank you for your comment, though. I really do appreciate it.
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