The smell and tickle of dust disturbed
lures his cold stomach from the floorboards.
Contortions of the neck defy the stiffness.
Trembling elbows welcome the cool draft.
Small quakes of electricity tempt intuition.
His wrinkled grey neck fain for the sponsor
who would splutter and spit indistinctly.
Mottled hands chalk the table side,
longing for inspiration, affront the gums of age.
The blush of winter and breath of wine.
Depleted muscles provide weak instinct,
outsized by his draping shirt, soiled.
Sadness haunts the furniture like eyes
of a black forest upon the lame buck.
Glasses,empty, for all but rumor.
Basalt limbs poke toward the scullery,
the morning pain underfoot. Harrowed
dishwater, contemptible pings and scrapes,
mock the reckless pomp of absent friends.
Nameless cups snicker their abandonment.
He breathes in deep the hope for courage,
forfeiting still time for the heave of emotion.
The clang of loneliness about his ribs,
cold and heavy, he raises eyes and chin.
The statue grips his own hand in friendship,
dethrones the might of futility with a soft brow
and laughs his silent laugh.
A contest entry
- Surrender To My Madness (Round One) by Agrona.
780 points, ended September 11, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
-
i felt so alone as i read this
and perhaps in the last line where there is a laugh
i felt uncertain
about his emotions
this is yet another awsome write
i see why you made that finalist list
-
(claps slowly and bows)
This poem saddened me for a reason I am unsure of... It ends with laughter...but so lonely the laugh and the lips from which it escapes... I actually almost began crying from you words. Your metaphor was flawless and kept me interested throughout the whole piece, wondering how it might end and how laughter would be a part of it. This was very well penned, Sir. Welcome to the finalists' list.
Thank you for entering and best of luck,
Your Czarina,
~Seraph -
This is such a brilliant write. i really enjoyed reading through this. the imagery you used here is excellent. Well done and all the best for the contest.
-
Oh my this is so intense and brings powerful emotions the end is just so sad so real an asolutely stunning piece. Excellent.
-
wow this is really powerful. it does suck to be sad and feel alone. its awful when you wake up alone in the morning just to have to think about your depression the next day. i kno about that all too well....good write. nice imagry.
-
"the reckless pomp of absent friends"
"The clang of loneliness about his ribs"
You paint a marvelously clear picture not only of your subject, but of the world surrounding him. I love the clever, expressive adjectives in this piece.
Yes, Steve!
Love,
CM
-
I work in a nursing home; I deal with a wide range of ailments...
This piece made me think of the many tines I'm sure our residents have reflected on their lives and have run the gamut of every emotion known...
Brilliant writing, my poet friend!!!
Bravo!!! -
i loved the poem....
-
hung over, eh?
-
Wow.... alot of emotion
and very excallent
you have a gift
keep writing
-
You have an extraordinary gift that many poets would die for.
Your use of verbiage and language is nothing less than brilliant, in my humble opinion. This is poetry on a level that goes beyond deep, and I find it very inspirational. It's obvious that every line was carefully put together. So much of it is left open for interpretation, and that is one of the things that stand out the most for this poem. This is one of those poems that hits on all five of the senses. I really appreciated the emotive imagery in this. In many ways, I felt as if I were reading about a very old man who is going through the latter years of his life, and is all alone. Perhaps, he has just lost the love of his life. I don't know, but I sure loved it, Steve.
Don
-
-
Thank you so much, Don. I am so sincerely appreciative. I truly treasure the feeling when I take that a poem "hits home" with someone. I really am a tough critic on my own work while writing. Comments like yours let me know that I was at least perhaps tough enough for this write. Thank you again.
-
-
You're welcome, Steve.
I can relate. I'm a tough critic on my writing, too. Your poetry reminds me that you can write about anything, and really go in so many different directions with your writing, and how it is interpreted. Much of my own writing is pretty straight forward, so I'm working on leaving a little more to interpretation. Sometimes, I can't help but explain it in my author notes. I find myself enthralled in your work, because its strength lies in how it often tells a story, and I love to read those. It's always a pleasure to read your work. I learn a little more about poetry every time I read it.
My computer is on the blink. I'd better go before this library computer kicks me off. Time limits!
Don
-
-
-
Wow, this is rather on the deep end....I almost drowned, but its all good
-
i love this poem so u should read mine comment to
-
My fav line "mock the reckless pomp of absent friends.". Really beautiful. The title grab my attention to this poem, because how can someone laugh not making a sound? Awesome Steve.
-
wow....
there is so much imagery and metaphors in this piece..
my mind was going crazy, trying to come up with exactly what was going on here...I loved it..
great poem!! -
bet you were thinking I wasn't going to comment. lol I wanted to take the time to look up some of the words to see all the different meanings & connotations. I read it over & over & looked up 9 different words. I still love this poem, even more now. My first favorite line was 10 but I also love lines 15 & 20 & how they together paint such a vivid picture that it comes to life with the sounds of "rumor"s "pings" "scrapes" & "snicker"s.
This is an awesome write, one of the best poems I have ever read!
-
-
Thank you so much. I'm glad you chose this one to dive into, because when I wrote this particular poem, I think I tried harder than any other to immerse myself in the emotion and I chose my words very carefully so I didn't trivialize this sadness.
-
-
great write
wonderful ability
-
Some very sharp imagery in this and thick metaphore. You did very well with it. It is one of those poems that my mind tries to interporate a thousand different ways all at once which is in this case a good thing. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
-
the techniques and sophistication of this is incredible.
-
nameless cups snicker their abandonment
Oh my, the imagery here is once again outstanding,
you may have heard me say before, Im a word junkie, I love the way beautiful language dances in my haid, and patters n my toungue. This gave me a real high today
Thanks
-
I really did enjoy this. I'm not too amazing at poetry and understannding other works straight away but i just think that the imagery used in this one is really moving. Thankyou beautiful poem
-
so many lines in this make me say ahhh. but this one 'Glasses,empty, for all but rumor.' for some reason, makes me sit back and linger on them, as if all has been finished, but thoughts and remants are still left on the rim of the glass, and a little at the bottom, too.
such beautiful imagery in this.
good luck in both contests.
-
Decent imagery and fair vocabulary but you need punctuation desperately. Also, do not capitalize each line. It makes things difficult for the reader. Capitalization means the start of a sentence or proper name yet some of these lines are a continuance of the previous line thus making it one thought/sentence and not two as you indicate with the use of capitalizing each line.
Prepare to have your talent pushed. -
-
Very on target criticism. I have, indeed, made some adjustments. Perhaps it reads better now. Thanks again.
-
-
I love how you worded this.
simply wonderful...and yet sad. -
This is amazing!
"Nameless cups snicker their abandonment"
I love this line.
-
-
Hi Ann, Thanks for commenting. Although this guy is fictitious, I really feel for him and those who have this sensation in reality.
-
-
This is amazing!!! The wording is great, the thought behind are amazing.
-
-
Hi xeternalreveriex! Now that's a mouthful. Maybe I'll call ya X. I had to become very sad to write this one. Glad you like it.
-
-
Oh, can I please say that I saw you first?? Publish. This is utterly breathtakingly fantastically good. Last five lines are hauntingly brilliant. Oh, if I could applaud twice, thrice, I would. (Have tried it only a couple of times before - sadly, it doesn't work) Have my best three....
-
-
Thank you so much for the words. I really love to write and I am so glad to find this site. Incidentally, I do intend to one day have enough to attempt publication. I'm curious how hard that is to accomplish.
-
-
I have no idea as to that. The publication thing. I just write like a vomit of stuff I no longer wish to think about (mostly - the 'dad' poem and a few others notwithstanding). I just think that you are very good at this. This poem, without rhyme, is just, well, excellent. Said all I can say about it. But so would like to read more. x
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 35 of 35
