If I throw my hands into these shards of glass,
It wouldn't be the end of the world for anyone...
That is, except, maybe mine....
But I question at times, how much my life is worth.
I make so many mistakes.
I shattered two deep friendships out of my chest,
The wounds of them have not let me forgotten,
And by doing so, they have taken mine.
My mask is in the mud, trampled, dirty... exposed.
These scars scream at me, they want to be free...
And I'm terrified how very challenging its getting,
But why should a terrible person have any willpower?
I deserve this.
I created this.
If I just had put those thirty extra beers down.
But no, I wanted more, I needed more.
I needed the numbness over my friends,
And God is letting this guilt punish me, he should.
I want so much to feel the blood trickle down my wrist again,
Its a terrible sickness, but I'd rather hurt myself...
Then feel the hurt and know the hurt of others...
Is because of me, because of my selfishness.
I am not worthy of those that stand by me,
Yet somehow they see the light I'm trying to find,
I cannot erase the night's events,
But if I could I'd give my life to save those friendships.
I want to smash something....
Take my rage and just cut,
Bleed and cut until I feel that relief,
Til I'm so exhausted I'm numb.
Sometimes I wonder whats better for everyone,
Staying here, I seem to mess everything up somehow,
But if I'm gone, maybe I can find peace along the way,
More importantly, I know everyone else certainly will.
I don't know why I've let this darkness creep so deep,
Part of me is fighting every inch to pull myself out of it,
But part of me is letting myself go because I'm such a loss,
I just want to fade away from life, I just want to fade away.
Author notes
I had 4 pitchers of beer, and at least 2 30 packs of beer on my birthday. I was so blacked out drunk I made a fool of myself, lost 2 deep friendships over it and am trying my damnst to make it up to them and forgive myself.
How do you feel when you read this poem?
Comments
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Sara this poem like your others is very well written powerful and full of emotion. hopefully things will get better for you soon love.
love Janine
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hey girl :-).... you know i already told you this poem is amazing.... pure emotion, and i know if they read this, atleast one of them would forgive you.... just give it time...
i dont really want to get into it on here, its just that i can say more things because other people do not have this website.... i know you care about ed, but the comment that he made about this poem baffles me.... yes we all know its amazing, but for him to say that he knows you so well that this is all a bluff, and that anyone who sees danger in this doesnt know you at all.... i have half a mind to message him telling him that hes got to be the most ignorant self-centered piece of **** that i have ever met, but it wouldnt do any good.... im sorry if you get mad at me saying that, but i have known people in your siuations, i have known a few of them that ended up taking their own lives because people told them that they were just bluffing and dont have any intentions of hurting themselves.... and you and i have talked about this.... as your friend i would like for you to think about getting help, and along with that, i would like you to think about whether people like ed knows you as well as you think they do.... because in my mind he has a lot to learn before he can call you a friend, or more....
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Sometimes we drink to forget the pain that is so deep we never even knew it was there until we let it out. The start to getting better and letting the pain out. Somehow by writing, I think you will find a way to forgive, at least I hope you do, I know writing always helps me cope with tough stituations.
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