There he sits surrounded by birds bread in hand
Staring off into the barren seas deluded in decay
Humbled to the regression of life without hope
Rummaged clothing that droops torn and frayed
I watch wondering what made him this way
Once confronted the challenge asking his name
He glances past me toward the sea, eyes sparkling
Each day passes the next still he does the same
Every morning when divinity brightens this world
I walk the planks wondering how his life might be
While in thought, I feel this yearning deep within
This peer is long and stretches out to the vast sea
Today friendly essence will cast aside judgment
I sat there on that bench as He sat there once again
I just rambled, talking, repeating things once said
Maybe it wasn’t him at all, for I longed for friends
I sat there dazed staring out past distant shores
Finally, realizing that through life, never did I see
There was no man sitting there with muted eyes
That vision sitting there lonely on the bench was me
Author notes
See image below at:
www.flickr.com/
photos/
rally-on-edge/
414886781/
A contest entry
- Make Me Feel by maktub.
1200 points, ended May 4, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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wonderful write, fully deserved the trophy that adorns it.. love the imagery. your meter is solid and the rhyme too..
cheers
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Now this, is what i call poetry.
Brillently done.
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Only when the halves are joined does the whole begin
Bringing what was one time lost back, just like a friend
Dual is all, yes in the end with denial a tool of fools
But when both sides are brought to light, there's nothing left to do
Eddy
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Oh this was awesome
Nicely penned ..had me until the end
And you even snatched up a gold
NICE..
Congrats
Passions
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NIce man. Congrats on that shiny trophy toy thingermajagger.
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this was awesome, you won gold and deserved it! you should enter more..ppl need to read your words.
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For some reason this reminds me of the conversations I have with Papa or God as most people call him. It puts me in a place where when I am that deep in thought I am lost and would not notice a tidal wave coming towards me. Amazing write. For its complexity to some it strikes me as simple as a journal entry almost a very personal piece indeed.
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I really like this poem. I think sometimes we all forget that despite the fact these are contests or whatever that we shouldn't write for anyone but ourselves. I can tell that when you wrote this you weren't hoping for a gold medal, merely hoping for some clarity or some perspective on who you really are. That's the whole point of poetry, and were this my contest, you would win for that reason alone.
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This is such a great write. The imagery you have used is outstanding and you have painted such a picture with your words. Well done and all the best for the contest.
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after looking at your other comments it is awesome to note that people are leaving some really useful critiques...I'll just say I liked it a lot! thank you for sharing. peace to you always in all ways...
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The ending was definitely well played out. The whole poem was wonderfully written and a smooth transaction into each stanza. The imagery was the best part of this write, I think. I hope this doesn't apply to your every day life; it seems too sad.
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:)
niceeeeeeee work -
oh. There were two spelling mistakes. "stareing" should be "staring"
"sparkleing" should be "sparkling"
Also, birds doesn't need the apostrophe in the first line. If you fix these things, they won't distract from the beauty of what you've written.
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Wow. I love the twist ending. Great images. One in particular was stunning and really captured my muse.
"Every morning when divinity brightens this world
I walk the planks wondering how his life might be"
What a unique way to describe a sunrise. Well done.
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this is a pretty stirring piece, it causes the reader to think and realize that they need to grasp their life before it passes them by. i especially liked this part:
While in thought, I feel this yearning deep within
This peer is long and stretches out to the vast sea
i feel that way every time i'm near water and it really helped me connect with the poem. nice job
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Yes, yes, yes! You not only surprised me with the ending, but you appealed to my love for description and depth combined.
Neat form, good rhyme, a few spelling errors, but nothing that interrupted the flow.
While not of a piercing intensity, your poem does possess a drawing and slowly seeping intensity that I really enjoyed.
Well done and good luck!
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Where do you see spelling errors?
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hm I thought there were several, noticed them when i first read through, but now that I read it a second time, I found only one...2nd stanza, 3rd line - I believe you meant "He stared pas(t) me into the sea..."
Most likely just a typo, but it was the one that really caught my attention, because as I read and pronounced the word in my thoughts, I noticed the lack of a 't'.
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A Beautiful Piece !
I'm glad I read this.This touched me deeply,I felt all the raw emotions expressed by your choice,of words. Good luck in contest! It's an awesome poem,and you are very talented!
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