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Mountain Wind

up in the mountains
the wind whistles through the trees
the lonely wolf howls
as I sit here and listen
my life slowly passes by

sun arcs slowly
cloud shadows move over the land
breeze ripples pond
as quiescence returns
I remember who I am

Author notes

Option 2: Collaboration
Opening Tanka by Lee Tai Wah
4/28/09

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Draig aine gold member
    May 8
    Edit | Reply

    congratulations on the Green thingy


  • yukitosumi
    May 7

    Edit | Reply
    The opening was beautiful. Whistling wind and howling wolf, a contemplation.
    I have some points to make on the second, though. Beautiful bones, but I feel like you are trying to say to much. Simpler is always better with this form. I love the last two lines, they are simple and concise and beautiful, and the first three do not do them justice. Perhaps a trim to have something more like

    The sun arcs
    shadows move over the land
    a pond ripples
    as quiescence returns
    I remember who I am

    or something shorter.

    Overall, very well done both of you!
    Thank you for entering!
    Best,
    y and s

    • BearWoman gold member
      May 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the critique. It is helpful. I see exactly what you mean by the example you gave. I will check with my collaborator on this. You don't think we need to keep our structures parallel between Tankas?


  • Draig aine gold member
    April 30
    Edit | Reply

    this one is well done

    a viable collaboration, both voices blend as if timeless
    very well done indeed

1 - 9 of 9