Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Sonic Speakthru



I inhaled
the nineteen seventies
as I strode back into that varnished room-

padding across
those pink nylon carpets;
past the painting of Neil Armstrong,

and up to
that delightful old dear
who still sits behind the window
of that same old sonic speakthru system.

She smiled
and said 'hello'
the way she always did.

I said 'hello' and smiled back
before placing my rent book into the drawer beneath the glass
and sliding it towards her.

She stamped it-
took the forty quid;
and returned the book.

I took my time trying to stuff it into my back pocket.

Still smiling at her-
thanking her;
and generally hovering around.

but it was no good.

She wasn't going to give me a bonbon.


Author notes

This is dedicated to me dear pal, Knock.

A contest entry

I

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 30 of 30

  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    October 22

    Edit | Reply
    Good lord but this has been entered in a few contests, eh? If I were you, I'd consider removing it from the contests that have closed already if you didn't place. Only because it's a bit off-putting to future contest judges and could potentially color their opinions of the piece. Just my thought....

    Anyway, you must know by the number of trophies that this has already garnered that it is an interesting piece of work. It's very much like a trip into the past, complete with the descriptions of the seventies that unless you were there, you will utterly miss the reminiscent quality of this poem.

    I'm not certain why "still" is bolded twice in the poem but it does serve as a bit of a distraction as I find myself wondering why and what significance it may have to the poem overall.

    In any case, I greatly appreciate your entry in my contest and wish you the best of luck.

    - Bean Sidhe


  • aeolia
    August 26

    Edit | Reply
    Originality – 10/10
    Cohesion - 9/10
    Imagery/Metaphor – 7/10
    Flow/Structure – 9/10
    Diction/Verbiage - 4/5
    Grammar/Spelling- 5/5
    Rules Followed - 5/5
    Emotion – 4/5
    Syntax – 5/5
    Title – 3/5
    Reaction – 3/5
    Overall Opinion – 4/5

    Total- 68/80

    I like the simplicity of this, but I almost wish there were something deeper to it.

    Thanks for auditioning & good luck! Please wait for the other judges to comment, if they haven't done so yet.

    -endymion

    PS: Please let us know if your scores don't add up. We're mathematically challenged.


  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    I like this, the detail, the surprise ending. It breathes!


  • twelfthknight silver member
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    lol i really liked this, im from the UK too so i can see everything you were saying, the last line made me laugh so much, well done on winning gold!


  • explain.everything
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    i guess i'm really stupid cuz i dont understand the poem, the words are nice and flow well, but i dont get it. what going on? where is this person? whats a forty quid? why would the lady give this person a bonbon in the first place? what makes them think think the lady has a bonbon? whats this lady's job anyway? im super confused.

    perhaps being 16 is why i dont understand...

  • piccola silver member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    I love this for no other reason than that it makes my heart smile. The imagery is fantastic and it is warm and fuzzy. Thank you for the entry.


  • Heroesrox
    May 16
    Edit | Reply
    Awesome piece.


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    May 15
    Edit | Reply
    umm, yes!


  • libel -
    May 14
    Edit | Reply

    yes


  • decode
    May 14
    Edit | Reply

    yes.

    thanks for auditioning.


  • heavenbird
    May 14
    Edit | Reply

    yes.


  • still.she.waits
    May 14
    Edit | Reply
    yes

  • OurxBeginning
    May 12

    Edit | Reply
    Lol, this made me giggle. I've never had a bonbon. Very crisp in your wording, I liked it a lot. Thanks for entering and good luck.


  • Pollyanna
    May 11

    Edit | Reply


    Hiyer Alex,


    'Sonic Speakthru' is the open verso in the middle of the living room of a living home refusing to share their bright livings with one another.
    How rude!
    A groovy example indeed of a Poet describing 'what went down' rather than what went on.
    Yeah, do not insist on playing the guitar if you dare not conceive the Purple Haze-killer.
    It's hard to pull this off with finesse.
    As a whole, it becomes a psychedelic relic on the temporal mind-shelf due to its sporadic glowing bits.
    Is this around the same time yer started drinkin' cough syrup?
    Yer imagery is fantastic, I felt as if I were there.
    Hell, I even snatched a fookin' bonbon while yer were rockin' yer trousers and she was pale facin' the Jonesy in attempt to wipe the hovered smile off his face.
    It's here with me in my room, I haven't eatin' it yet.
    Cos it's a Poetic bonbon, so it needs a little time to contemplate before I do.
    Fer now though, it stays fixed on the ceiling so it'll probably go over yer head.

    Yeah, this piece has a magic of its own.

    Loved it,

    Keep well,

    'Anna


  • Amera gold member
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    Ok so you perked my interest and here I am reading your work. I'm not a very good free verse poet so my comments won't mean much to you but I see real talent here. You set a scene, paint image and amplify emotion. I think this is very good.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Kendal Palmer gold member
    May 5

    Edit | Reply
    sign me up for a bonbon! i liked the smooth transition through this piece...it was like a really nice story...your imagery was spot on...thanks for sharing. good luck with your contest entry. peace always ... kp


  • Uniquely-Scarred
    May 5
    Edit | Reply
    intresting i like this there is something special about this one not had a bonbon in years lol

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    May 5

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, for some reason I can't applaud, but am clapping for you, for the poetry and for dear ol' knock

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    May 5
    Edit | Reply
    Ah, everyone pays their dues whatever decade they experienced the blue's, forty quid for rent, now that's a memory well spent but I'll relent cos' I love the knock knock three times on the ceiling if you want me, twice on the floor, if you're wanting some more', toffee bonbons or even strawberry are for boys that go that extra mile with guile, I'd have offered you either for going that extra mile Ooh-er at nylon carpets, even if they created free electricity


  • Sandygram
    May 4

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful Imagery!

    You always write some interesting poems my friend. This one made me smile. Thank you for sharing and Best of luck dear friend. Hugs and Smiles across the miles.

    Take Care, Sandy


  • sheltered
    May 1

    Edit | Reply
    this is like classic shit man
    that's what i love about you
    the maturity in you poetry/reasoning
    i really hope this does well and

    if someone out does it
    well kudos
    as much deserved

    so nice to read
    you writing top notch


  • woooo hoooo cuckoo
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    bet the nylon carpet was really busy as well
    orange and purple fookin swirls
    god the seventies were fookin fab
    you could get away we owt then

    when men were men
    and music was played on guitars
    yeah

    peace on you man
    peace on you
    x


  • AngelBellerose gold member
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    good Luck in the contest.. I think you gave them some good fuel for their muse awesome write Hugs Angel♥


  • sinkfloridasink
    April 29

    Edit | Reply
    niiiiice. I liked the descriptive commentary theres not much criticism at all to leave you, this was very good!! good luck in the contest


  • heaven all alone
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    I liked this. Heh.


  • albymyheart gold member
    April 29
    Edit | Reply

    Hilarious!

    Hahaha...I love it, just love it! ...alby


  • awannabepoet
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    Very interesting read this was leaves much to the imagination so I could fill in the lines so to speak.

    I really enjoyed it and thanks for sharing.

  • Suzanne Dia
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    hehe

    dun him proud, i think.


  • Emmyb gold member
    April 29
    Edit | Reply
    heheheheheheheheheheehe

    i love your last lines. they always sink me with laughter.

1 - 30 of 30