The Pap Smear

It was that time of year again
and I was not looking forward
to my annual check up
but like clock work
I called and scheduled
the appointment

To my surprise
the receptionist
informed me
there had been
an earlier cancellation
that day

Oh, lucky me
I was fortunate to
get in the same day
later that afternoon even

I called my girlfriend
( to whine of course)
and asked her to lunch
thinking I would kill some time
and not have to dwell on
my demise

At lunch I broke
the news abruptly
over appetizers
(I couldn't hold it in)
and was disappointed
at my friends reaction
she seemed to think
that a pap smear was
"no big deal"
she said she always
found, "creative ways"
to get through it

I hardly ate a thing
nor did I hear much
of her conversation
through out lunch
my mind was stuck
on "creative ways"
what did she do
did she pretend
her doctor was her lover
yuck
wait
my doctor is yummy
to the core
hmmmm....

I let my mind
wonder a bit
as I drove home
I could get more
creative than that
yep
I sure could
and I would
this was going
to be fun
I had to hurry
my appointment
was going to be in
an hour and a half

I got undressed
and went to work

I looked in the mirror
and was pleased
as punch with myself
I couldn't wait
to arrive at my
yearly exam now
just knowing
that the doctor
would have a nurse
in the room
and would not
be able to react
was going to be
hilarious
I ran out to the car
and was on my way

Once in the office
I was asked
( as expected)
to disrobe and put
on the lovely
gown with the opening
in the rear
( step one of my
plan was in effect)
I was hoping the doctor
would hurry
as I was starting
to get a bit uncomfortable
due to some dislodging
( another part of my plan)

The doctor came in
and started his full examination
first the usual looking into my eyes
mouth, nose and then
to my back
where he read the words:
I have some hot oil
that I would like massaged
on this area
His pause said it all
( he was in shock)
but he couldn't respond
because to do so would
let his nurse know what he
just read and that would
breach the doctor patient
confidentiality clause
he was now stuck between
a rock and a hard place

Moving to my chest to
listen to my heart
he pulled my gown out
just enough to get the stethoscope
inside and he noticed more writing
that read:
imagine this was chocolate dripping
all the way down... who would lick it off?
his eyes darted to mine and then to the nurse
and back to mine
he had that dear in the headlights look about him
the nurse asked if anything was wrong
he never said a word just shook his head no
with eyebrows raised, lips closed tightly
looking like a scared school boy

Finally it was that time
the finale
legs up in the stirrups
I was ready
but the doctor seemed reluctant
to get in position
( I don't know why)
I could hardly contain myself
I asked
So doctor, based on what
you have seen so far
do I appear healthy?
he replied that from what
he has saw so far
he has no complaints
I couldn't help myself
I had set him up...
I said:
You ain't seen nothing yet

I could tell by his expression
he wanted to cancel the pap
but he got into position with
a sense of apprehension
and yet great expectation of
the unexpected on his face
( and unexpected is what he
was about to receive)
I had used some Halloween hair
dye and colored my pubic hair green
then made a little sign that said,
keep off the grass.  Along side of
that sign was a note from a fictitious
male friend that read:

Dear doc,
Please do not harbor
thoughts or desires for my girl
I do the parking in her garage,
it's my marble in her game board
my strawberry in her shortcake
my pawn in her chess game
catch my drift...
just do your pap and set her free

As the doctor began
his job he started making
noises
what the heck
huh
no way
then he started laughing
as he began pulling out
one at a time
the pawn
the strawberry
the marble
and the Hot Wheel car
( all pieces I had sterilized and placed there)

The joke had been on him
my doctor, my friend
the pap smear he will never forget!
nor will I