Twisted feelings, unsaid thoughts
tossed as the tiny ship, in monsoon
I grasp at cobwebs, falling
sticking within the unknown, fear
the master of my life, laughs
as I struggle to find, understanding
being ignored, a hurting heart
I know I'm bleeding, inside
Throwing out all stops, vulnerable
I cast myself before you, naked
hoping that I can prove, love
unconditional devotion, to you
Yet, I fear that is not enough. . .
that I am
unworthy.
Author notes
This is how I feel...Hope you are touched by my write.
First I just want to say sorry for the people who entered the contest already...But I don't want any prewrite poems this has to be fresh.Truely from the heart...
I need emontion,pain,Heartbreak,loneness,tearjerker.
Always looking for someone to help critique my work, I know I need improvement.
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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"Twisted feelings, unsaid thoughts
tossed as the tiny ship, in monsoon"
i love these lines....i am sure i commented on this one before...the title, to should be too....
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Thank you so much for catching that, I didn't even notice; also thank you very much for the lovely comment!!!
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This is so heartfelt. It's a terrific write. I can feel what you are saying because I feel this way a lot. You've written from the heart and it shows. Major kudos!
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Aww, such a heartfelt piece
this was.. and I'm sure many
can find themselves within,
as I have. One of the worst
feelings in the world is
worthlessness. I have felt
that many times.. and it
aches. You have described
this pain though, in such
a beautiful way.. for one
to truly see, understand, and feel.
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hey man
Ill critique it........... KEEP WRITING!!! your good man you write from how you feel right? so then your doing an excellent job. As long as you keep doing that your good. If the words reach out and grab all forms of conscience. You know its really great to see another "man" out in this world care about love. I myself am a deep and compassionate person who cares, and believes in romance, love, companionship. -
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Thanks for the awesome compliment my friend and the comment that you left, it's always good to know there are a few good men left around right? We're a dying breed I'm afraid...
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u r so cool i love your poems u and u r so sweet stay just da way u r
u r so cool i love your poems u and u r so sweet stay just da way u r -
u r so cool i love your poems u and u r so sweet stay just da way u r
u r so cool i love your poems u and u r so sweet stay just da way u r
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good job
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This is truly a well expressed piece of thought. Emotionally straight-forward, you speak of the pain and desperation so many of us go through; the confusion in subconscious form. Nice write, best wishes in the contest!
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it would have been in the contest but the person who was holding it was a lousy contest host and I pulled it from the contest. Thank you for your lovely comment though!
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I like your word usage and imagery... but since this is the third time I've said it today, forgive me if I make it loud....
I HATE a bunch of commas in the middle of poetic lines...
That's why God made line breaks...
Otherwise a good poem!
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very nice i like your wording
i can feel your anguish and pain your style is your style keep up the great writing
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you don't sound unworthy at all
well penned
its a winner in my eyes
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Extremely well written and the emotion comes screaming quietly out of this and pierces me again, caught unawares. My one critique would be your lack of puctuation. May I suggest rewriting it like so:
My twisted feelings, and
unsaid thoughts
are tossed as the tiny ship
in monsoon.
I grasp at cobwebs, falling
sticking within the unknown,
fear.
The master of my life,
laughs.
as I'm struggling to find, understanding.
Left ignored, with hurting heart.
I know I'm bleeding, inside.
Throwing out all stops,
vulnerable,
I cast myself before you,
naked,
hoping that I can prove,
love,
unconditional devotion, to you.
Yet, I fear that is not enough. . .
that I am
unworthy.
It just looks a little funny when you capitalize a word to start a new sentence when you never left a period behind to finish the last one. Play around with different sentence structures you can come up with and spacing to emphasize different things and make the overall form pleasing to the eye. Possibilities are endless and can add so much more to your write overall, giving it a more polished look.
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i thought you said you wrote this poem for my contest dis don't like you wrote this poem for my constest this is a PW already...
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This is an absolutely fantastic poem! I loved every part of it. I suppose after reading it a few more times it could be talking about this sad creature
thanks for entering
Lena -
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I think the picture says a lot and the poem speaks volumes of the picture.... The way she is sitting looking beautiful and content in her ways, un-wavering never settling for someone, the poem speaks about how this person is in love with her and she will not show him one way or the other...and he is left feeling unworthy of her love... I dunno I thought it worked but that's me haha I'm glad you liked the poem regardless.
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Beautiful Write. I love the " Throwing out all stops, vulnerable
I cast myself before you, naked
hoping that I can prove, love
unconditional devotion, to you
Yet, I fear that is not enough. . .
that I am
unworthy."
Says so so much... Loved this! Well done! Bravo!
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A great write, was a joy to read, good luck in the contest.
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Thank you so very much!
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oo.Sorry please re enter this poem if you can...so sorry
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Beautiful hun, whoever could deny such a giving of the heart is less than worthy of your time and heart xx Beautifully done.
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BEAUTIFAL
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Beautiful and yet removed from the contest...? I don't understand what I did wrong...but thank you for the comment I guess.
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Ahh how sad. It is not you who is unworthy. It is the one who can't see the love you have to give that is more faithful than would ever be found elsewhere.
A
poem.
Best wishes with this.
Gaylene
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You speak well in this of the uncertainties of love and our vulnerabilities, lost and tossed at sea is an apt image. Good luck in the contest.
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Thank you so very much for reading and the best wishes!
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Throwing out all stops, vulnerable
I cast myself before you, naked
hoping that I can prove, love
unconditional devotion, to you
Wow, what more is there?
Beautiful thoughts and desires, yet in those last three lines, self doubt creeps in...
I like the way most of these lines are a thought, then a word or two that sum it up or reveal something. It caught me at first, like strange pauses, but I like it. Makes me ponder.
The first two stanzas feel like anxiety swirling leading to the third where you act...
then the last three lines, a tinge of regret, the fear that you put it out there and its not enough.
All in all an emotional piece, nice work-
I was touched by your write.
Best wishes,
Khia
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I am deeply humbled and honoured that you enjoyed this piece and was touched by it...my mind...my insecurities have been a huge part of my muse lately and "eating me alive" per-say I've written quite a few poems today all different aspects of what is going on in my head...I'm hoping that I will be able to sleep tonight now that I've written a lot of it out of my system. Thank you for the comment and insight on how you took the poem...This style that I wrote it in, is completely different I know...I am starting to find out that with each take on how I write, I end up using a different form or style to match my mood...I'm glad that you were touched by this piece...ok I'm rambling now and I do apologize thank you again so very much!
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No need for apologies.
Insecurities 'eat' us all at times. I can relate- writing it out, I believe, helps us to look at our feelings (not just feel them)- gives us a better perspective. Plus it gets it out
Khia~
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Well, like the other guy/girl said. It will come, you just have to keep fighting until you find that one person. My favorite part would have to be the ending, unconditional devotion just seemed so amazing to me. Very good work my friend, and keep on going!
Hope all goes well, and keep on improving, my good friend! ^__^
-Cyril Huntinghawl
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Thank you so much for such a wonderful and heartfelt comment! It really does mean a lot to me!
Aaron
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You have penned alot of heart in this piece. If to give one's self unconditionally isn't enough..what is? And you, my friend, are worthy of the purest love..It will come
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Thank you so much!!!!
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