Morning,
and the remnants of yesterday
flutter past my window, like a sheath of paper
falling in the breeze. A feather.
Black; possibly a crow’s, abandoned
high above the rooftops I am under. The glass
glints; it is steel, real
in the way only imaginary things
may be. Trapping me. The feather remains, though – it
has snagged on a roof tile, a gutter,
a greedy outstretched curlicue
of some human creation. Trapped,
it quivers,
shaking in the echoed blare
of a city. I lean forwards.
The window
is not iron; it is whitewashed clap-board,
and the rasp of wood beneath my fingers
brings me back
to earth. Outside, in the shaking buzz of traffic, the feather
has freed itself – I watch it twist
and tumble
away.
Author notes
The feather as a metaphor for emotional / psychological freedom. One with particular meaning for me.
should I outline which parts of my poem fit the brief?
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round Four by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended May 24, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I loved where you took us with this piece. Unique, as always, I was brought on an adventure. Each image brought strength, and curiosity to the piece. I feel as though you used the feather more like a symbol then a metaphor, which made for an excellent write, but was not what we were looking for. However, contest aside, this was really brilliant and creative. Especially loved the imagery of the crow!
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Thank you - I found this really tricky to write, deliberately inserting so many elements without making it seem forced. a challenge! I guess I messed up on the metaphor; it was my understanding that a metaphor is anything used entirely to represent something else, be it stated or implied, but I guess not. all the best with the rest of the contest, anyways!
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*right
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Well, you are right about what a metaphor is. But it comes down to how the metaphors "definition" is interpreted, and how the poem is interpreted. Metaphors can be done without making it obvious, and I think that is what you were aiming for, but it just didn't come through. That's how I feel anyways. You are an incredible writer....your style is the most readable, most provocative on the site...it really defines you as a writer, but you still leave room for pleasant surprises. Just thought I'd let you know that
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No, yeah, I misjudged with this one - I get that. Next time, eh? and thankyou <3
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Title 4/4
Clarity 2/3
Poetic voice/tone 1/3
Impact 2/4
Creativeness 4/5
Personal Reaction 3/5
Imagery 10/10
Emotion 9/10
Overall Balance 6/10
Use of given metaphor 6/20
Rules (25/26)
- line limit [20-50] 3/3
- ten syllable line 3/3
- two syllable line 3/3
- simile 3/3
- internal rhyme 2/3
- alliteration 3/3
- onomatopoeia 3/3
- personification 3/3
- other [no vignettes] 2/2
Total: 71/100
I have to say, I normally really like your line breaks - they're unique. This one though, jagged the flow a bit too much and so I couldn't read it properly.
A major concern, however, is that you talked about the feather rather than use it as a metaphor - which made you lose a lot of points. Basically, what I'm trying to say if that you need to use it as a metaphor - be the feather .. rather than symbolise it.
Chandni -
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I kind of don't understand what you mean by that? Because a metaphor can be described - take C. S. Lewis' Aslan, no one would argue him to be anything but a metaphor for Jesus, despite the fact that the books were about characters interacting /with/ him, rather than being about him directly. Did you want us to write from the point of view of our subject?
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a metaphor can be described - but whatwe wanted was to use the feather as a metaphor. That would mean that you compare the metaphor to something else. I'm pretty sure it's not what you've done and I've asked a few people before I made my comment to make sure.
http://grammar.about.com/od/mo/g/metaphorterm.htm -
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Okay, gotcha.
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I'd like if you can outline the parts
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10-syllable --> is not iron; it is whitewashed clap-board,
2-syllable --> Morning, / away.
simile --> like a sheath of paper falling in the breeze.
internal rhyme --> it is steel, real / may be. Trapping me.
alliteration --> The glass glints;
onomatopoeia --> in the shaking buzz of traffic
personification --> a greedy outstretched curlicue
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A really interesting metaphor, the feather almost has a life of its own. I like the combination of metaphor and real life, a sort of confusion between the symbolic and the real.
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